CultureGeek

MovieGeek: Take away my bluescreen!

I recall sitting in the venerable Senator Theater in Baltimore on a summer evening in 1991. I was at the movies by myself, because none of my friends wanted to go see some horror-sf sequel called TERMINATOR 2.

But I was enthralled, for a dozen reasons. But one of the most compelling was this new technology they showed us. I ran home afterward and told the Film Professor that he absolutely needed to see this movie - even if it wasn't an exciting story with good acting and a kick-butt heroine unlike any I'd ever seen, it had this neat... morphing thing! Like they were using computers to draw, only making it look real!

T2 was really the nascent birth of CGI, and immediately Hollywood fell in love with it. It's hard to imagine a movie now that doesn't have some kind of computerized effect, whether it's removing Gary Sinese's legs in FORREST GUMP or creating the walking trees of LORD OF THE RINGS. It's allowed us to do movies that never could have been done outside of animation.

And sometimes, it stinks.

Look, I love that we're able to make Aslan speak and Iron Man fly. But sometimes I think we've lost something in this world of Industrial Light and Magic. It's an odd thing to say on the eve of the summer blockbuster season, I know.

When Christopher Reeve donned the red cape in the first SUPERMAN, it may have been a royal pain to spend endless days in a flying harness. But compare those wonderful effects with poor Brandon Routh, who turned into CGI when his boots left the ground. Yes, he could do more interesting things. Yes, he could hover in a Christlike pose soaking in the sun to heal himself. But it just wasn't as real.

And hey, I absolutely loved watching Yoda's two-foot self in a lightsaber battle with Christopher Lee. But somehow the CGI Yoda failed to capture the character the way Jim Henson's puppet did. The puppet can't fight a battle, but it could emote in a way computers simply cannot.

I was thinking about this because we picked up the Indiana Jones Adventure Set. It's remedial viewing, as CultureGeek Jr. needs to be properly prepared for next week's premiere. I covered his eyes during the melting face from RAIDERS, but after he went to bed, I watched the special feature about it.

Turns out they built a fake skull, then layered it with gelatin in various shades of red, veined with blue yarn, and coated with flesh-colored gelatin. Then they used propane heaters to make it melt. It was soft gelatin, but it still took about ten minutes to melt. Then they sped it up to 240 times the speed for the brief shot that made RAIDERS into a horror movie.

The special effects man, explaining how he did this, said if they were to make RAIDERS today, he'd still do it the same way, but clean it up a bit with computers - he can see flaws he'd like to correct. (Nobody tell Lucas - they already removed the obvious pane of glass between Harrison Ford and the asp in the Well of Souls.)

But if they were making RAIDERS today, they wouldn't waste time melting gelatin with propane lamps. A melting face is nothing to the megacomputers of ILM, right? Somehow, though, I just don't think it would have the same impact. There's a reality to a practical effect that we lose in CGI.

As we were watching the movie, I explained to CultureGeek Jr. that the under-the-truck stunt was a real guy. It wasn't a computerized guy - it was a real stuntman doing that. His eyes widened, and he watched the scene with new respect. He's used to the cheat, you see. Nothing impresses him when it's only pixels at risk.

I have no doubt that the summer lineup will give us a visual array to make even the Wachowski Brothers blink twice. The CGI geniuses will put forth their best art for us, and I do appreciate the skill it takes to do this job well.

But sometimes, I wish they'd just melt some Jell-O and see what happens.

TVGeek: 21 Jump Street - The Movie?

Oh no you don't.

I will put up with remakes of every horror movie from AMITYVILLE to WHEN A STRANGER CALLS. I will put up with endless cribbing from Asian horror and recasting Rachel Weisz to ruin my MUMMYs. I will even enjoy I AM LEGEND while ignoring its completely rewritten ending.

But.

Jonah Hill of SUPERBAD developing a 21 JUMP STREET movie??

You know, if they did a 21 JUMP STREET movie, I'd probably be thrilled. Face it: I was a tween in the heyday of JUMP STREET, and therefore I was required to be in love with Johnny Depp. Along with every heterosexual red-blooded American girl.

I also had a crush on Peter Deluise, but let's just keep that between you and me. Hey, he made me laugh. And you just know that Hanson was seriously high-maintenance. (I viewed Richard Grieco as a poser bad boy. He was, however, nice eye candy.)

Look, as a grownup I know JUMP STREET was a kickier AFTERSCHOOL SPECIAL, with its serious moral to every story and public service announcements by the cast afterward. And yes, I always wondered how many high schools that city had, because they should have been made as cops a dozen times over.

But come on, it was a show in the 1980s dealing with alcoholism, racism, homophobia, sexual promiscuity, AIDS... and the president hadn't even said the word AIDS yet.

Do us a favor, Hollywood. If you intend to demolish our childhood, leave JUMP STREET alone. We will rebel. At least I will. Some 1980s shows deserve to be parodied. JUMP STREET does not. Now, you want to do a straight-up movie, maybe update it to our heroes as cops training new JUMPers, get Johnny Depp and you have a guaranteed hit even if you hire trained monkeys to write.

But some things really should be sacred. And I think you'll find all those tween girls who loved Johnny Depp grew up to watch the PIRATE movies. We will not find you funny.

TVGeek: ER's bill is due

The ER Memorial "That's Still On?" Award is about to become... a memorial. Is the joke still funny if the show isn't on anymore?

NBC is finally pulling the plug (sorry, couldn't help myself) on the 14-year series, and let me tell you, the fact that I can remember its premiere tells me I am far too old.

As the excellent CNN article states, ER was a groundbreaker, ushering in the golden age of television drama. Its premiere in 1994 coincided with CHICAGO HOPE, MY SO-CALLED LIFE and the heydays of LAW & ORDER, PICKET FENCES, HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET, THE X-FILES and STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE.

Of course, it was also the time of COP ROCK and WOOPS, so take what you can get.

So they've finally decided to close down the ER, but not until February 2009. That gives them most of a 15th season to wind things down. Noah Wyle is expected to return for four episodes - in many ways, "Carter" was the story of the ER, a bumbling med student who became a senior, skilled doctor and left the show for good in 2006.

Showrunner John Wells said they will work in nostalgic flashbacks for the last season, which means I'm going to have to Tivo it again. Dangit. And of course, the big question: Clooney or not?

After all, the show launched his career. He may be a big-time Oscar winner now, but I'd like to think he'd have a little nostalgia of his own, and maybe a touch of gratitude, for the job that gave him his break.

It's almost the end of an era, as the network launches being announced this week are heavy on unscripted shows and light on fun. I'll have a full analysis for you later this week, but in the meantime... even though I haven't watched it in years, I think I'm going to miss ER.

CultureGeek: Everyone's wild about Harry

Harry Dresden.

Bestselling book series. Promising TV show destroyed by Stupid Network Tricks. Rocketing comic book. Movie star?

Jim Butcher seems determined to make it difficult for me to tag the Dresden Files.

Butcher's bestselling fantasy/mystery series began with STORM FRONT, following a private detective in Chicago who's actually a wizard. Okay, he's in the phone book as a wizard, but the formula of the stories is essentially that of the private eye with plenty of Hogwarts action.

I'll admit, I haven't read the books. My friends have practically shoved them into my hands, however, and I swear when I'm done with the latest Ellen Datlow anthology I'm onto Dresden.

I did watch the series, and was mildly disappointed - but not surprised - when it got the ax from the Sci-Fi Channel. Dresden never had a chance, my friends. He was Fireflied. (Yes, it's now a verb.)

Here's the episodes in order of airing:

Episode 3: "Birds of a Feather"
Episode 4: "The Boone Identity"
Episode 5: "Hair of the Dog"
Episode 2: "Rules of Engagement"
Episode 7: "Bad Blood"
Episode 8: "Soul Beneficiary"
Episode 6: "Walls"
Episode 1: "Storm Front"
Episode 10: "The Other Dick"
Episode 9: "What About Bob?"
Episode 11: "Things That Go Bump"
Episode 12: "Second City"

Seriously, what are network executives thinking when they do this? The two-hour pilot caused them all to panic and make last-minute changes in the series casting and plot points, which always means a vastly improved product, right? *crickets chirp* We expect this from Fox, not from the network of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. (Imagine watching THAT one out of order.)

Note to all people in TV Land: You cannot air a speculative fiction show out of order.

When creating a whole new world out of thin air, the reader needs a certain amount of exposition and character development. It would be like watching RETURN OF THE JEDI without seeing STAR WARS or EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Exactly why does Luke have only one hand? What is this whole thing about a sister? Darth Vader is WHAT?

Then, when you finally get around to the early expositional episodes, it's like a hammer to the brain. "Yes, we KNOW."

When Fox did this to FIREFLY, skipping the pilot episode entirely, poor Joss Whedon spent the next few episodes shoving chunks of exposition into clunky dialogue so the poor viewers could maybe catch up and understand what's going on.

"Well, remember that Simon left a promising medical career and busted his sister out of the secret government encampment, and that's why we're all on the run and can't trust the Alliance!" So when you watch it on DVD, you spend the first four episodes facepalming, "Yes, we KNOW."

The inevitable cancellation of THE DRESDEN FILES by the network that Fireflied it has not killed the series, not by a long shot. There's speculation that there may be a series of TV movies, or even theatrical releases.

In the meantime, Dabel Brothers is putting out "Welcome to the Jungle," a comic series prequel to the Dresden books. The first issue came out last month and sold out by May 2.

As fellow comic geek Rachel Quon Kluesner wrote, "Good reviews (for the Dresden comic book), but it is unknown yet if they are going to introduce the comic with issue #1, or if they will be starting with issue #4, then #7, then #2 until fan outcry forces the publisher to issue #1."

In the meantime, there's a role-playing game under development and the books sure aren't suffering. Number 10, SMALL FAVOR, came out a month ago and immediately hit No. 1 on Publishers Weekly's bestseller list, held onto the New York Times bestseller list for at least three weeks... Everyone's wild about Harry.

I swear. Right after the anthology...

ComicGeek: The Walking Dead

THE WALKING DEAD
through No. 48

Quite possibly THE WALKING DEAD is the most gut-wrenching comic book out on the market, or perhaps in comic history. Honestly, I have a hard time calling it a "comic" book. The very word belies the agony these characters go through.

As of the most recent issue, there have been 39 characters significant enough for us to be aware of them, from the infant daughter of Rick and Lori to the evil Governor.

Of those, 26 have died. In some of the most gruesome manners possible. The worst thing that can happen to you in a zombie apocalypse is being bitten/turned or eaten, right? Writer Robert Kirkman has attacked that as the mere starting point for human misery. Our protagonist, Rick, has gone from small-town cop to battle-weary leader and occasionally cold-blooded murderer throughout the series. Like antiheroes? Meet Rick.

Here's the thing about THE WALKING DEAD: most of the true horror visited among our characters doesn't come from the zombies. It comes from the lawless lives the survivors lead, and the lengths to which they will go for survival in a world with no civilization left.

As Rick says in Issue 24, it is as though the survivors themselves are the Walking Dead, not the zombies outside.

I began reading this black-and-white series because my comic guy recommended it to me, and I was immediately hooked. To be honest, I thought it started to pall once our gang holed up in a mostly-empty prison and got into a mini-war with Woodbury, the town led by the sadistic, dictatorial Governor.

But the last few issues have broken us out of the rut, and in the most horrible manners I can imagine.

SPOILER! SPOILER! While I expect character deaths in this series - and honestly, we've had so many characters it's hard for me to remember who's dying in front of me - I never once expected them to knock off Lori, our protagonist's wife.

Seriously, the last image of Issue 47 is of a gun held to Lori's head. Ruh roh, I thought. This guy will kill ANYBODY. But in the first few frames of Issue 48, we find out it was a ruse - just playacting, in case they needed to trick their way past the bad guys. I thought that was a bit of cheating from a series that never cheats.

But I should have known better. It was misdirection from the misdirection, as in the final pages, Lori is shot dead by the Woodbury army. While carrying her newborn baby daughter. Who also is killed. Before the eyes of her horrified husband.

People, you don't get much more sadistic than that. Unless you go to the Wikipedia page for this series and read the matter-of-fact synopsis, well-written and clearly defined. Want to know exactly what Michonne did to the Governor as revenge for raping her? Um, you probably don't, but there it is.

It's hard to recommend THE WALKING DEAD, because only those with extremely strong stomachs who don't mind reading comics while cringing in pain should apply. But when I open the bag from my pull list, it's the first issue I grab.

Just not while I'm eating.

MovieGeek: The Dark Knight

What, you were expecting a review? Some critics will get to watch it in advance and write up their opinions before opening night. I'm sure my invitation just got lost in the mail. (Mr. Bale, call me!)

In the meantime, how about the new trailer?

Yummy, eh?

Real content coming soon. But this had to be shared. Especially since I didn't get to see IRON MAN yet, and by reports I trust, it rocked. Stay tuned...

TVGeek: So long, Sexy Lexy.

Today's post was going to be a comics round-up. Instead, we get the stunning announcement that Michael Rosenbaum is leaving SMALLVILLE.

So.... Smallville is losing both its creators AND its presumptive villain? Is there any reason the CW is continuing this show? I mean, I'm not going to blame Tom Welling et al for wanting a steady paycheck. Work is hard to come by, even if you're a hot TV star. But I have to wonder what's going on.

We get a few hints, and it's not good.

"While Michael won't be a series regular and we won't have the pleasure of working with him on a weekly basis this fall, we like to think that we haven't seen the last of Lex Luthor. Stay tuned."

That's from the producers' statements (not Millar and Gough, of course). Now, guys? Tell me that means Rosenbaum will be a recurring hiya. Don't tell me you're thinking of shaving someone else's head and calling him Lex. Rosenbaum is pretty much the best actor on the show, and he brought a nuanced conflict to Lex that, frankly, no one has. Ever. Not even Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey, both fine gentlemen of the craft. Rosenbaum made me understand Lex, as well as dread him. Don't even think of replacing him.

On the other hand, they've come up with new villains! Like... Doomsday!

I wish I were kidding. Yes, ol' Rocky is slated to come on next season. As we all know, Doomsday is the only opponent to get the best of the Boy Scout: he killed Superman in the famous "death" that lasted six months. Hey, in comics nobody dies forever. But please - we're going to see DOOMSDAY on the CW's budget? And isn't this about, oh, fifty years too soon?

Clark's getting another nemesis, and this one's a woman. They're keeping mum on her identity, but she'll be "familiar to many fans and will set her sights on Clark in ways Lex never could," they say.

[Considering about sixteen slash comments.]
[Deleting them all because this is a family newspaper blog. Make your own jokes.]

I'm also annoyed because whichever vixen they get, it's clear women on the CW still have only two purposes: be evil, and/or fall in love with the hero. Headdesk, repeat as needed.

I honestly wish they'd just have Clark drop by Metropolis and meet the only boy who can out-brood him. Got a thing for bats. C'mon, at least that would be fun. Maybe set up for a spinoff, if they could find an actor and writers that have actually read a comic once or twice. And then Clark, Green Arrow and the rest of the gang could swing by from time to time.

Well, it was fun knowing you, Rosenbaum. You were great to watch. Good luck running the free world, and drop by once in a while.

And don't think I didn't notice who was missing from your thank-you list, from John Glover to Millar/Gough: Tom Welling.

ComicGeek: Free Comic Book Day!

Who needs Grand Theft Auto? We've got much better mayhem in store this weekend.

This Saturday, comic shops around the world and here in the metro-east are giving away free comic books in the annual giveaway bonanza sponsored by the major comics publishers. Pow! Crash!

C'mon, the first taste is free…

• Hometown Comics and Games will host author (and former police officer) Shane Moore, who will sign his fantasy novel "A Prisoner's Welcome" beginning at 10 a.m. Saturday. Moore will talk about the writing life and the plans to adapt his novel into a graphic novel.

Spider-Man also will be present, with plenty of giveaways and more than 2,000 free comics to visitors. Hometown Comics and Games is located in downtown Edwardsville at 110 E. Vandalia and can be found online here.

• At Heroic Adventures, visitors will get the chance to win a $300 statue of Thor – that's the superhero, not the Norse god. They're giving away 2,500 gift bags, each containing about $75 worth of merchandise, as well as offering 35-40 titles of free comic books.

It's worth noting, too, that the new card set from Magic: The Gathering premieres Friday night at their weekly Magic games. Again, I say: Who needs Liberty City? Heroic Adventures is located at 2131 S. State Route 157 in Edwardsviille.

• The Fantasy Shop in Fairview Heights also will offer the free comic books all day Saturday. And speaking of "free," manager Scott Samson also offers a free podcast on all things comics titled ComicDorksCast. This is not to be confused with CultureGeek, who does not have the intellectual or technological skills for a podcast.

That's just the events on the Illinois side of the river. Check out Free Comic Book Day for shops near you and more events. It's no-kidding, for-real free, no pressure to buy anything more – though sales will be taking place at most shops - and you can bring the kids to pick out their own.

As for me, you can bet CultureGeek Jr. and I will be dropping by a comic shop on Saturday. Which one? I plead the Fifth.

TVGeek: Smallville

SMALLVILLE: through last week.

The news that creators Miles Millar and Alfred Gough are leaving their own show should have created a much bigger cry of dismay. But as it is, I can only hope that whomever takes over this show can possibly return plot, emotion and people we actually like in place of endless product placements and the Lanathon of recent seasons.

The only good thing about the post-strike season thus far is that Lana is in a coma and therefore cannot speak. And there was much rejoicing. This was almost as great as the decision to repeatedly send Kara off to the hinterlands of Acting Lessons, because SuperChick is even more wooden than Tom Welling. I didn't think that was possible.

I've complained so many times about Clark on autopilot - farm Lana farm Lana not get involved Lana lie lie lie Lana - instead of continuing his ultimate arc into becoming Superman, you'd think eventually I'd get tired of myself. Honestly, that's why I've stopped doing episode-by-episode reviews. And yeah, I thought about giving up on the big lout. But I haven't even given up on LAW & ORDER yet, so clearly I'm always up for more abuse.

But the show hit a new low recently, and I'm not talking about Pete Ross returning only to shill Stride Gum for an hour - though that was possibly the biggest waste of a skilled actor and beloved character in modern television.

When SMALLVILLE finally reached what we all knew to be the inevitable turning point for Lex Luthor, it dropped the ball. Completely.

Yes, the time came for Lex to irrevocably turn evil, murdering his own father as his father had done before him. It finally happened, but not as it should have, when Lex was channeling Zod and Lionel channeling Jor-El, the Luthor family as pawns in the ongoing Kryptonian power struggle.

No, it was over the secret society to which Lionel belonged, protecting and/or hiding the Travelor (note: Traveler = Clark). I give them credit for managing this without total retcon - it draws in the Swanns and those people we shall not name because they were connected to the Tattoo From Hell and the Pop Rocks of Doom in that season that shall be forever scrubbed from our brains. Heck, the secret society even refers back to the headline on Lionel's newspaper in the pilot: the death of Oliver Queen's parents. Good job, guys.

But when the time comes, this seven-year arc to inevitable patricide... it falls flat.

It's in the teaser, for heaven's sake. With almost no emotion, from Lex, Lionel or from us. It ultimately turns out to be nothing on an emotional impact, Michael Rosenbaum uncharacteristically phoning in his performance, a 3.1 on the Richter scale of a relationship that has always registered like Mount St. Helens. Ultimately, it was no different than any other character snuffed by the Freak of the Week. The murder of Patty Swann, a one-episode guest shot a few weeks ago, was ultimately more shocking.

It's like Millar and Gough can't let the audience really hurt for anyone or anything. Clark's high-school girlfriend was murdered by a FotW a few seasons ago, and he mourned for, oh, about ten minutes to the end of the episode. They killed Lana in the 100th episode and Clark's devastation cut through Welling's general woodenness... until we turn back time and make all okay. When major events occur, no one weeps. It's the heartfelt drama and tragedy of the comics, but on Prozac.

I've often said that the 100th episode played out completely wrong, even given the canonical death of Jonathan Kent. But killing Lana that way would have been perfect - Lex and Clark each partly responsible, each blaming each other for the death of the woman they both loved. It would have cemented their lifelong opposition and gotten rid of Lana once and for all.

So when it came time for the final face-off between Lex and Lionel, it should have had the emotional impact of the season finales they do so well, something grander and more tragic than the simple murder that creates barely a ripple in the placid mountain lake of this show. But no, that might have interfered with a musical montage showcasing the latest pop band, or a glaring product placement.

I've never been a big fan of Millar and Gough, ever since I learned they cast Annette O'Toole as Mrs. Kent and then were surprised to find out she'd been Lana Lang in SUPERMAN III. They've never really had a sense of Superman that I'd want for the current torchbearers of the Boy Scout's legacy. I hope however takes over the show has a bit more of a sense for Superman, and brings Clark's wandering arc back to becoming a hero instead of a moper, a man of steel who stands for truth, justice and the American way.

God knows we miss him.

BookGeek: The Missing

THE MISSING
By Sarah Langan
Harper Books

I want to be Sarah Langan when I grow up.

Langan's follow-up to her amazing debut novel, THE KEEPER, weaves a supernatural disaster around a
small Maine town with greater skill than anyone since Stephen King. The horror that seemingly died with most of the town of Bedford in THE KEEPER resurfaces to eat nearby Corpus Christi - literally.

Imagine, if you will, a 'SALEM'S LOT with plague-ridden near-zombies instead of vampires. Then get rid of any thought of happy endings or ultimate redemption, because Langan pulls no punches at all. Don't get too attached to anybody in a Langan novel.

Langan has the ability to create a fully-realized, three-dimensional person in only a few short pages. Near the beginning of THE MISSING, a woman walks out of her house to pick up the newspaper. On her way back, she sees a bird eating poisonous berries. If a lesser author were to write this sequence, it would be half a page and we would know no more about this woman when she returned to the house than we did at the beginning of the chapter.

With Langan behind the wheel, this ordinary moment is a glimpse into a life both complex and ordinary, a woman frustrated in her role as mother and wife, full of regret and hope and sadness all at once. She is a real person, someone we know or might even have been, and we suddenly care very much what happens to her.

This is where most horror movies and many novels fail: making characters into archetypes, easily disposed of when the monster appears. Langan never falls into stereotype, making each character nuanced and real, with flaws that remind us that they are human beings. We never cheer for any of the deaths, even when they are characters we wouldn't want to know in real life. But we feel real sorrow at their flailing and ultimate futile attempts to save themselves.

Langan's voice will echo in your head for days after you finish reading this book. I find myself eagerly awaiting her next outing, even if the path down which she leads us is lined with poisonous flowers.

In case you missed it, this book won the Bram Stoker Award this year, beating out (among others) HEART-SHAPED BOX by Joe Hill. THE MISSING is currently available in most bookstores and Amazon.com.