CultureGeek

BookGeek: Unwelcome Bodies

Collections are tricky beasts, even trickier than anthologies.* It's a hard sell, even if you're a big name. Getting a collection published when you aren't Stephen King or Harlan Ellison is even harder. Good thing Jennifer Pelland rocks my socks.

It's been a long time since I read a set of short stories as consistently wonderful as UNWELCOME BODIES. Published by Apex Book Company, Pelland has compiled science-fiction/horror crossovers with a general theme of physicality - of the need for touch, of sensation. I picked it up because it has a striking cover, very different from the usual fare at convention book tables, and because Pelland grew up on my own childhood stomping grounds of western Massachusetts.

I found that Pelland has exactly my style of writing. She creates three-dimensional characters with nuance and skill, yet doesn't bog us down with endless exposition and fanciful imagery to distract us. There are some writers who waste a lot of time showing off their wordcraft with a lot of unnecessary linguistic gymnastics, and some writers that simply show how good they are by WRITING. Pelland is the latter.

Apex specializes in science fiction and horror, and there's more than a little horror to be found in UNWELCOME BODIES. Possibly the most gut-wrenching - literally - is "Big Sister/Little Sister," about a twin unwillingly carrying her sister's aware head in her abdomen.

Almost as horrifying are some of Pelland's various futures. Imagine if AIDS was airborne, and all the infected had to be sequestered, so no one could touch anyone anymore. The paranoia and isolation of "For the Plague Thereof Was Exceeding Great" makes it a fascinating lead-off story, and one of my favorites. Then imagine a future in which hedonism ran wild and body modification ran past tattoos and piercings to whole limbs and grotesquerie, the more hideous the better. The Elephant Man, therefore, is strange by his normalcy in "The Last Stand of the Elephant Man."

The best stories come from "What if..." What if the oceans dried up and water was more valuable than gold? See "Flood" for details, and you'll come away thirsty for more than a drink. What if a half-machine "Captive Girl" was trained to search space for dangers was suddenly unplugged and returned to normal? What if a caste society controlled from the top down and entertained by Earth transmissions suddenly lost its only entertainment? "Firebird" might very well be my favorite.

There's a story or two dealing with the pressures of celebrity, and Pelland's razor-sharp sense of group psychology never fades into dull cynicism or unwarranted optimism. I found her futures both realistic and hellishly creative, without ever feeling the bull meter go ringing.

I think "Immortal Sin" might be the only one for which I could summon any criticism, because it seemed definitely influenced by the author's own dismissal of her Catholic upbringing - a character consumed by fear of a literal hell, which is hard to identify with. But that made it no less compelling for making me end a sentence in a preposition. It was the best I could manage for a criticism.

UNWELCOME BODIES is the perfect blend of science fiction and horror, a walk through futures alternately beautiful and hideous, with characters we can see, hear and yes, touch. Pelland's clear, concise style draws us in without distraction and twists on a single note. Much like its striking white cover, this collection is something far different than the usual fare. I will definitely be looking for more of Pelland's work in the future.

Pick up UNWELCOME BODIES at Apex Book Company, in ebook at Fictionwise or order it from your local bookstore.

* What's the difference? Well, when you have twenty different authors writing short stories about a particular theme, you have an anthology. When you have one author writing twenty stories, you have a collection.

TVGeek: Fear Itself

FEAR ITSELF: "Eater"

Okay, here's the problem with "Eater," folks. In order to scare the audience in a realistic environment of the modern-day, normal world, one must believe the environment. And while there is certainly hazing in a police department, the kind of nonsense Our Heroine undergoes in the first fourteen minutes would be so actionable as to be impossible.

Look, it's not like women cops are new. And while cops love to razz each other, complaining about a "chick" on the shift is circa 1956. And putting an inflatable sex doll in her locker? Seriously, even the worst departments don't sink that low. Chalk one up for the lawyers.

So instead of being scared, my bull meter was going off all through the first half. It's such over-the-top sexism that it's hard to take seriously. Add to that the oldest police station I've ever seen, doors that chain from the outside, cells out of THE GREEN MILE, a police radio circa 1967, no dispatchers and officers carrying guns through the station, and I'm wishing they had set this a few decades before. It's like the set designer hasn't seen a real police station in 35 years.

The other problem, I suppose, is the grotesque flashbacks. I suppose we needed to see that the bad guy is really, really bad. I don't know if we needed to see him cutting out a woman's tongue, cooking it and eating it on camera while we hear her weep in the background. Others, mostly on the horror boards, have cited it as groundbreaking, as in, "How did they get that on network TV?" Too far? I let you decide. For me, I prefer subtle and creepy to outright grotesque. It's just not scary to me. Disgusting, not scary.

Once the bull meter was activated, it was hard to shut off. Our bright, resourceful young police officer doesn't seem to have been taught hand combat at the academy, nor does she seem to know where the spare guns are kept. And there are a lot more guns in a squad car than in this precinct - does anyone have a taser? Seriously? Finally, she never seems to consider that a locked door doesn't do much good if it's made of GLASS. Break the glass, dear. Escape and bring back the SWAT team.

This one was written by the brilliant Richard Chizmar, so I know it had to be better on the page. It's a great idea, carried by WEST WING alum Elisabeth Moss as our young cop, and a unique (if implausible) conclusion. This entire episode reinforces my sense that the creators of FEAR ITSELF have taken great material from the most brilliant minds in horror and dumbed it down for television, much to our detriment.

"Eater" was at least an improvement on last week, in which a bride runs away from her groom through a disturbingly freaky Catholic church and the twist at the end makes no sense whatsoever. But FEAR ITSELF continues to disappoint, I'm afraid.

TVGeek: Marathon Day!

It's the Third of July, and you know what that means... Marathon Day!

In case you need to get away from all that strangely seasonable July sunshine, the smell of grilling bratwurst and the fireworks overhead, the fine folks in TV Land have provided a number of marathons to entertain you while you're hiding from your relatives.

Turner Classic Movies is running an Alfred Hitchcock marathon, including NOTORIOUS, PSYCHO, VERTIGO, THE BIRDS and REAR WINDOW, while USA is running JAG all morning and NCIS all afternoon. I know who wins that fight.

AMC has decided to run JAWS, JAWS 2, JAWS 3 AND JAWS: THE REVENGE AND WE'RE SO, SO SORRY in the morning, then inflict more punishment by running them again in the afternoon. (Note: I love JAWS. I own an anniversary special edition. The sequels, on the other hand...)

TNT is running LAW & ORDER all day, with the TV-movie "Exiled" at 4 p.m. CST. That's the Chris Noth movie when his character was sent to the Bronx for punching a rapist councilman after said sleaze was found not guilty.

Spike is showing the love for Steven Seagal, with TODAY YOU DIE, OUT FOR A KILL and URBAN JUSTICE, then repeating the first two before sharing STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK at 8 p.m. What, they couldn't dig up UNDER SIEGE?

Bravo is going a different route, with the countdown of 100 FUNNIEST MOVIES followed by ULTIMATE SUPERHEROES, VIXENS AND VILLAINS. Then CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER is followed by two showings of TRAINING DAY. If they have a theme, I missed it. FX is marathonning KING OF THE HILL, with FANTASTIC FOUR and SPIDER-MAN 2 at prime time.

If I didn't have plans, though, I'd set myself in front of the Sci Fi Channel all day. TWILIGHT ZONE, baby. Running from 7 a.m. this morning to 5 a.m. Saturday morning. Nearly 48 hours of Rod Serling makes this CultureGeek shiver.

Shockingly, no one seems to be running THE PATRIOT this time. But of course, someone has to run the holiday staple INDEPENDENCE DAY. Watch aliens blow up the world six times in a row on FMC, with breaks for 45-minute documentaries on the making of ID4, its special effects and a mock newscast.

It's just mean that television gives us the good stuff on the few days when we're legitimately not watching television. Time to set the Tivo! Have a good time, a safe holiday, and be careful out there.

TVGeek: Tru Calling

Although I've been an Eliza Dushku fan since BUFFY, I never watched TRU CALLING. It was always bouncing around in the wrong time period or something.

But they're running a lot of Eliza these days, warming up for the Joss Whedon series in which she will star. Quick, watch it before they cancel it!

In TRU CALLING, Tru works in the morgue, and every once in a while a dead body says, "Help me." Then the day reverses and Tru lives the previous day all over again, trying to prevent whatever terrible thing went wrong for the person on the slab.

I've been watching a few episodes, and I have to say, I like it. It lacks Whedon's dialogue, but a great premise and Dushku's undeniable talent carry the show over unremarkable secondary characters and lackluster mysteries.

There is a major flaw, at least in some of the episodes I've seen: the writers don't give us enough credit. For example, in one episode Tru keeps repeating the same day because she can't seem to get it right. On one run-through, she sees that a clinic needs a new caseworker. The next run-through, she pretends to be a caseworker so she can get into the clinic. The show helpfully provides us a flashback to the scene from the previous day, showing us that the clinic really needs a new caseworker.

In another episode, a novel written by a former friend is a major plot point. Said friend tells Tru about it. Later Tru finds the manuscript, and the show flashes back to the scene - no more than ten minutes prior - in which the friend told her about it.

It's as though they think the viewers have the attention span of Fox executives.

Even so, such annoying lapses into stupidity are rare. Dushku holds the line very well, though one wonders how Tru manages to do this over and over again without losing her mind. She must be aging faster than other people, too - she's living days over and over again Groundhog-style, and the emotional and physical strain must be terrific.

It would have been fun to see how TRU CALLING grew and developed. Alas, it was ... canceled. By Fox. In its second season.

Too bad we didn't get a do-over.

P.S. The title song, by the way, rocks.

TVGeek: Tommy Westphall In Plain Sight

I floated the possibility a few weeks ago, and now it's official: I love IN PLAIN SIGHT.

It's a USA dramedy about a U.S. marshal that doesn't try to make the drug dealers and shady accountants
hiding in witness protection sympathetic. Mary is a tough woman in a job that requires toughness. She's balanced and smart, but her abrasive manner puts off other people. Think of House, if he were a cop and someone gave him a gun and a conscience.

Remember when I said a while back that the only person who didn't seem to be in love with Mary was her partner, Marshall? Um. I take it back. The episodes since the pilot smell of direction change, as Mary's airheaded baseball-player boyfriend made the majors and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Marshall, in the meantime, clearly has the world's biggest crush on Mary – and it's being played very well, far better than the usual "sexual tension between coed partners" trope.

Frederick Weller as Marshall has a grasp of subtlety that a lot of actors fail to find with both hands and a flashlight. His attraction to Mary is clear, but it's contained in gestures and facial expressions, never over the top. Mary's conflicted response is also masterful, as Mary McCormack continues to knock the ball out of the park in her portrayal. At first I thought her character was just a rehash of her ex-soldier from THE WEST WING, but only four episodes in she's already her own person. I'd also like to give them kudos for putting a woman of something approaching a healthy physique in a lead role. Mary is not a scarecrow, and thank goodness.

Oh, this show is not without flaws. It's still telegraphing its "mystery" of the week so far in advance I can see the twist from the teaser. It's still trying to play Mary's crazy family for laughs, and I find them pathetic and annoying by turns. I still can't figure out if Stan the Boss has a crush on Mary or just wants to be one of the guys. I can't decide if Stan and Marshall practicing the mambo in the office is hilarious or absurd, but Mary's facial expression was worth the stretch.

And did I mention the family is pathetic (loser sister hiding out from equally loser boyfriend) and annoying (the usually divine Lesley Ann Warren as a useless excuse for a mother)? There are a few too many shots of the sister in a bikini or with her shapely legs stretched up a wall, playing off her for skin shots presumably because Mary dresses like a sensible human. And Warren, a comic genius with decades of experience, deserves a better character altogether. One continues to wonder why Mary just doesn't kick these freeloaders out of her house, and the writers fail to give us reasons.

None of that mattered in our first "crisis" episode, in which Mary and Marshall get pinned down by assassins
trying to reach wisecracking witness Dave Foley. Marshall takes one in the chest and still manages to fire his guns two-handed - a dubious feat, but we'll go with it. Nothing brings a couple together like mortal peril and gunplay, so of course we get plenty of hints at Mary/Marshall throughout the episode. It made an entire fan community dedicated to the couple squee for 126 posts.

Speaking of fandom... Mary McCormack did a cameo on LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT and had a funny chat with veteran L&O cop Chris Noth, who invited her on the arrest, but she said she had to get back to Albuquerque by 9 p.m. Hee.

I should add that this puts IN PLAIN SIGHT in continuity with the massive LAW & ORDER universe. Thereby, through the Six Degrees of TV Crossovers, it is in continuity with the brilliant, lamented HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET. And therefore, via the crossover king Det. Munch, it is also in continuity with THE X-FILES, THE WIRE, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and THE BEAT.

But don't stop there! Characters played by Alfre Woodard and Ed Begley Jr. in ST. ELSEWHERE crossed over to HOMICIDE, which means that's included too! But then you fall into this site, which tracks - I kid you not - 282 shows that can be linked to ST. ELSEWHERE. And as we all know, in a cataclysmic mind-bend of a finale, that venerable show was revealed to be the fantasy of an autistic child.

Does that mean that half the shows on television are all the fantasy of Chad Allen? CHICAGO HOPE? BOSTON PUBLIC? MURPHY BROWN? OZ? I gave up trying to figure out how BATTLESTAR GALACTICA fit into this universe. If you figure it out, drop me a line.

Before your brain is entirely mush, let me just say that my best measure of how much fun a show can be is the Tivo Test: when there's a half-dozen things on the Tivo, which do I click first? And which do I rewatch before letting it go to data heaven? In both cases, the answer for the summer is IN PLAIN SIGHT.

CultureGeek: RIP George Carlin

What else could a CultureGeek write about today than the death of cranky comic George Carlin?

When I saw his obituary online, I knew just about every blog I read would memorialize him today. And I was right, as the Seven Words You Can't Say On Television have permeated the 'net today and likely will for days to come. Well, more than they usually do.

It's been a rough year so far for deaths of people that made us laugh, cry and think extra hard. Robert Asprin. Harvey Korman. Bo Diddley. Sydney Pollack. Roy Scheider. Charlton Heston. Suzanne Pleshette. Arthur C. Clarke. Heath Ledger. Tim Russert. Stan Winston. (Or, in that last case, shudder extra hard.)

The funny thing about Carlin's dirty-words mantra is that before he made up this little routine, there really wasn't a list of what you could and could not say on television. (Or the radio, also regulated by the FCC.) But Carlin's monologue was broadcast on the radio, and a man driving with his son heard it and filed a complaint. Bingo! It ends up before the U.S. Supreme Court, and now we have a list of words you can't say over the public airwaves at times when children may be listening. (You can pretty much say what you want between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m.)

In the meantime, some of the words have found their way into your average hard-bitten cop show (hello, NYPD BLUE!) and sometimes they've gotten away with the harder words if they're not referring to sexual or excretory functions. The distinction is lost on CultureGeek, who is governed by a much stricter force than the FCC: The rules of a family newspaper. If you're waiting to see me drop the F-bomb, keep waiting. I like my paycheck. Sorry, Mr. Carlin.

I've always been of two minds about Carlin. On the one hand, many of his pronouncements ring true to us in this crazy year of 2008, resounding as the voice of a philosopher crazed by years of cotton-candy pablum the likes of which one would see in CHICKEN SOUP books.

On the other hand, I am often annoyed by those who push the envelope just because it's there. There are those whose work naturally anger those in power, and those who do something shocking just for the sake of shock. The latter annoy me because they give those in power a reason to push back, limiting freedom for the rest of us. How ironic that the difference between indecent (but legal) public speech and obscenity would be defined by George Carlin? And still, I think Carlin falls into the category of true believer, complete with a sharp stick.

No one sane would nominate George Carlin for sainthood. But he certainly spoke to an entire generation that wanted something a little more raw to their comedy - and perhaps their philosophy - than THE COSBY SHOW could give them. Ironically, it was announced that Carlin would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor this year. In characteristic form, Carlin replied, "Thank you, Mr. Twain. Have your people call my people."

I leave you with this, from blogger and author Jay Smith:

GEORGE Weird, man. I guess I should be shocked.

ZEVON That you're here?

GEORGE That I'm anywhere at all. I guess that means I have to reconsider some things.

ZEVON Maybe not. Douglas has been here seven years and he's not convinced it exists.

GEORGE Well, you've got a nice bar. Comfy chairs. Books. Air hockey. Is that...in the windowbox...

ZEVON Elyssian Green, yeah. I was wondering why it started growing last month. Usually when someone new arrives, the window boxes are full of bright, pretty flowers. I should've known it was you coming down.

Read the rest here. It's worth it.

TVGeek: Battlestar Galactica

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
through "Revelations"

Once upon a time, someone asked Edward James Olmos how he would end the titanic run of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. He said he would have the fleet find Earth, coast into orbit, and suddenly be nuked into oblivion by the United States government. Camera focuses on President Bush, he said, and an adviser would say, “You did it, Mr. President. You saved us.” Pan over, and the adviser is a Cylon.

But that’s because Olmos is only half as sadistic as Ronald Moore.

I’ve kept quiet all this season, mostly because I need to read seventeen blog posts and Jacob’s excellent recaps on Television Without Pity in order to understand what the frak is going on here. The big questions were, “Who is the final Cylon?” and “Are we ever going to find Earth?” Who could have predicted that they would make (temporary) peace with the Cylons, find Earth BEFORE the end of the series, and we’d have nuked or global-warmed ourselves to death?

As Jacob says, “That’s … inconvenient.”

The wonderful and terrible thing about BATTLESTAR GALACTICA is that it will not pull any punches, and you never know what insanity will happen next. I do think we lost some of the powerful urgency we had in the New Caprica days, because life and death just isn’t as immediate when you’ve escaped from the concentration camp.

The real question of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA has been, “What does it mean to be human?” The line between human and Cylon, so clear in the beginning (dead babies, anyone?) is now completely blurred. With Tigh and Caprica having a baby – hey, Cylons can reproduce! – and the regeneration machine destroyed, what we have are two races separated by mutual war crimes and differing religion.

Well, that can’t lead anywhere good.

Some time ago, I was complaining about an episode of STAR TREK: VOYAGER, in which two characters with a long-running disagreement were stranded on a planet. They eventually have to work together to survive, and in doing so, resolve their personal differences. The ENEMY MINE takeoff has been done so many times (and done much better by its predecessors) that it’s practically science fiction by automation.

“Maybe they resolve their differences, and then one of them goes stabbity! That would be different,” a friend replied.

“No,” I said. “Then it would be BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.”

Because the Sci-Fi Channel has nothing good on its roster to replace the Best Show On Television besides really awful movies, they’re going to hold the remainder of the last season until next year. Which proves they are run by Cylons.

In the meantime, we get the Caprica prequel, and six more months of speculation. Is Starbuck the final Cylon, to lead them to their doom as predicted? Will she and Lee finally get it together and stop making me scream at the screen? Does Dualla have a purpose on this show? Can Gaeta break our hearts any more? Really, how DID Cylon Tigh get Cylon Six pregnant? What is up with Baltar and his weird cult, besides Moore mocking Christianity? Does anybody know what happened to that Boxer kid from the pilot? Will Adama ever get to kiss Roslin for real before she dies? Oh, and who is God anyway?

Stay tuned. In the meantime, join us for such scintillating sci-fi fare as ANONYMOUS REX, GINGER SNAPS BACK: THE BEGINNING, and the classic MANSQUITO! Or OUT FOR BLOOD, because they didn’t just leave her dead, they left her UNDEAD!

MovieGeek: Memento

My sister and I have a good relationship. We get along pretty well for two girls who used to shout at each other over an imaginary line down the middle of our bedroom.

However, we have exactly opposite taste in entertainment. I loved DAWN OF THE DEAD, she loved SHAUN OF THE DEAD. I watch BATTLESTAR GALACTICA; she watches … um, some reality show I can't remember. I love superheroes and things that go chomp in the night; she loves romantic comedies and family dramas. We are united in our hatred of Carlos Mancia's alleged "humor," and there our similarities end.

The last movie she recommended to me was FOUR ROOMS, and I was so revolted by it I have cheerfully ignored every recommendation she has made since. That's all right - she declines to watch BATTLESTAR, even though I am the big sister and she's supposed to do what I say.

But when last I saw her, which is sadly too rare, she insisted that I must watch MEMENTO. It's the best movie ever, she said – a mystery investigated by a man who cannot form short-term memories.

There it was, at the library. Now approximately a zillion days overdue. I got to it eventually.

Guy Pearce, king of suffering, plays Leonard, the aforementioned memory-impaired man searching for his wife's murderer. He tattoos important clues on his body and leaves himself notes every day. The key, however, is that MEMENTO goes backwards. It starts with the confrontation, then goes to the previous day, explaining how it came to be.

There are moments of humor played out of Leonard's condition. I was unreasonably amused by Guy Pearce and Joe Pantoliano arguing over how to get rid of a bloodied guy that Leonard can't remember beating up. See what happens when you forget to write yourself a note?

The movie's greatest strength and greatest failing is its structure – five-minute spans that start at the end and go backward in time. It ends/begins with a murder, in the no-man's land in which Leonard lives. Step by step we go backward, following Leonard's clues from conclusion to investigation. It takes some serious mojo to make something like that work, and the Nolan brothers – one who wrote, one who directed – clearly have mojo to spare.

Guy Pearce's performance was matter-of-fact, an investigator with the most complicated mystery of all to solve. Almost too complicated – it's easy to get lost among the various bit players who help Leonard piece together his mystery and come to a conclusion I honestly did not expect.

I found MEMENTO to be a very smart movie, an apparently accurate portrayal of a bizarre and rare condition, but to be honest, I had to look up the plot on the 'net to fully get what happened. Maybe that means I'm not nearly as smart as my sister. Shh, don't tell her. I'm still taller.

TVGeek: Fear Itself

FEAR ITSELF
“The Sacrifice”

Last summer it was MASTERS OF SCIENCE FICTION. Before that it was MASTERS OF HORROR. But when the latter series was picked up by a network, they decided to rebrand it FEAR ITSELF.

Unfortunately, they left out the fear.

In “The Sacrifice,” we have four criminals on the run from (apparently) a robbery, and car trouble lands them at an abandoned old fort. Three luscious blondes live there, and the boys think they’ve died and gone to heaven.

It would be helpful, by the way, if NBC did not give away half the suspense by calling these young women “sirens” in the episode description. But really, we can tell from the beginning that these lovely ladies mean to do our not-so-heroic heroes ill. Because we’ve watched TV before.

They’re feeding a vampire to keep it from escaping into the world and destroying it. It’s an interesting concept, one that binds them to eternal solitude - though one wonders how each generation perpetuates itself without outsiders - do they capture breeding stock?. When they ran short of passers-by to sacrifice, did they have to sacrifice their own? That would have been interesting to contemplate.

As vampire fiction, it is merely “meh.” The vamp is gross enough – there is no Anne-Rice seduction here, and also none of the feral predator gaze of 30 DAYS OF NIGHT. It’s an animal, simply feeding, and one wonders how many generations of Romanians failed to kill it in their many attempts.

At any rate, the “and then there were two” marches on with predictable plodding, there is no surprise and little to scare us. The actors do a competent job with unremarkable dialogue, with a few extra credit points to Jeffrey Pierce, who only comprehends what his younger brother means to him once he is faced with losing him.

This episode was written by Mick Garris (THE STAND, THE SHINING), so I expected much more. But it was directed by Breck Eisner, whose SAHARA was the dullest adventure I’ve ever suffered.

I’m not giving up on FEAR ITSELF. After all, I’m still watching LAW & ORDER, so clearly I’m hard to shake. But this bit of blood left a bland taste in my mouth.*

* Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

MovieGeek: The Incredible Hulk

"Aw Mom, you gotta see HULK! It's sweeeet."

Thus was the in-depth review from CultureGeek Jr., so I obeyed orders and caught the late show. THE INCREDIBLE HULK is, in fact, very sweet. If that means what I think it does. In my day things were "cool" or "hot," apparently not distinguishing between temperatures. Now they're "sweet" or ... is "smooth" still cool? I am too old for this world. And I digress.

HULK reintroduces the Jolly Green Giant after the universally reviled Ang Lee angst-fest inflicted upon us in 2003. While I appreciated the visual brilliance of Lee's work - the divided screen like comic-book panels was especially fascinating - there was far too much psychology and not enough Hulk Smash. I do not like falling asleep in the middle of a superhero flick.

This movie is a little too far in the other direction, but not enough to bother me. Yes, the plot is fairly straightforward - Bruce Banner is on the run because the evil U.S. military wants to use him as a weapon, and the gamma rays get zapped into somebody who really shouldn't be given absolute power. The backstory is dispensed with in a three-minute flashback sequence during the credits, which apparently makes this an indirect sequel to Lee's HULK.

Edward Norton has the size-37 role, and as a long-time fan of the big guy, he apparently tweaked the script a bit. I also hear that he was unhappy with studio-ordered cuts, including an Arctic sequence in which Bruce attempts to kill himself. Too intense for young viewers, I guess, but it might have provided that extra bit of depth missing from this version. I am waiting anxiously for the 70 minutes cut from the movie to appear on DVD. Please?

Bruce Banner is a man divided: a mild-mannered scientist plagued with a mean, green temper and a deep guilt about the things he does while under the influence. While Eric Bana was plagued with a script that delved endlessly into this Jekyll-and-Hyde persona, we only get Bruce's guilt and sadness from Norton. Bruce requires a bit of an edge, a temper that indicates the monster lurking within. Yet when faced with a young woman being hassled by cretins, Bruce is reluctant to step in, constantly fearful of getting "angry." We don't get that sense of the monster temper, and it's a flaw in an otherwise strong performance.

But I sense good things coming, primarily from this:

There's a thing in Hulk of the Prometheus myth: it's tapping the story of stealing fire from the gods and being burned by it... When you think about Banner's driving motivation, part of what was interesting to me was a sense of guilt, a sense of having monkeyed with nature. He's applied a certain arrogance to his work and assumed he can muster forces that maybe aren't meant to be tinkered with casually, and he's driven by... wanting to put the genie back into the bottle.
-- Norton on Hulk's subtext

I am so happy that Marvel has started casting Oscar nominees as comic heroes. It beats the heck out of Jessica Alba's mascara standing in for acting ability in FANTASTIC FOUR.

As for the rest of the cast, William Hurt does okay as Thunderbolt Ross, who gets only one moment to break his one-note character, and Tim Roth makes a believable Emil Blonsky/Abomination. Liv Tyler's role as Betty Ross, of course, is to have wide eyes and occasionally fall into mortal peril, not to actually participate in the science or the action sequences of the movie. Deep sigh.

Notice the cameos! Of course there's Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, in a scene setting up for the 2011 AVENGERS movie, and Stan Lee always makes his appearance. But watch for TV Hulk Lou Ferrigno as a security guard bribed with pizza and the voice of the Hulk. Paul Soles, the voice of Bruce Banner from the 1966 cartoon, plays a pizza parlor owner. And the late Bill Bixby manages an appearance, as Norton is seen watching his COURTSHIP OF EDDIE'S FATHER on TV.

There's plenty of "Hulk smash!" in this movie, enough to satisfy the CultureGeek Jr. audience and just a touch too much for this Gen-Xer. You'll absolutely love how they work in the trademark lines, including, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Director Louis Leterrier keeps the plot moving and doesn't dwell overlong on pseudoscience that will make us roll our eyes. Many critics slammed the CGI, but in this case, I didn't find it intrusive. The movement of the Hulk and the Abomination were motion-capture, not CGI, and I believe it's an improvement.

It's clear Marvel is setting up a massive movie franchise, with standalone movies intertwined through the S.H.I.E.L.D. and Avengers storylines and at least three sequel hints in this movie. I'm good with that, as long as they don't go too crazy with the crossovers. One might wonder why Marvel's superhero movies are doing so well and DC's stumble so badly, with the exception of BATMAN BEGINS. It's not for better stories or cooler heroes, in my opinion. Perhaps it is that Marvel has a single, unifying vision in Stan Lee's iron grip, and DC has been writing by committee for decades now.

Or maybe the Justice League will save us all. Who can say?

P.S. Alas, you don't have to wait through the credits unless you really like the score, which I did. There is no nugget at the end. As the four young men who also waited remarked, "Hulk thanks you for staying to the end!"

MovieGeek: THE STRANGERS

THE STRANGERS

Movie tickets are eight or nine bucks a pop these days, and that has made your Friendly Neighborhood CultureGeek a tad pickier about what she watches. I was originally going to skip THE STRANGERS, until Stoker-nominated author Jeff Strand posted a thank-you to the American moviegoing public for making a success out of a horror movie that was actually scary.

THE STRANGERS kicks off with a supremely stupid opening: telling us that there are 1.4 million violent crimes in America each year (duh) and to add insult to stupidity, it is read aloud to us in case we can’t read. But I’d already paid my eight bucks, so I stayed.

So glad I did.

Meet Kristin McKay (Liv Tyler) and James Hoyt (Scott Speedman), a couple on the outs and driving to James’ family home in a fairly remote location late at night. Supposedly “inspired by true events,” as near as I can determine those “true events” begin and end with the dumb statistics and a vague homage to the Manson murders. Kristin and Scott are first visited by a lost young woman asking for someone who does not live there. Later there are more knocks on the door, and masked people are playing with them.

But director Bryan Bertino manages to make the smallest things frightening. I’ve never been scared of wind chimes before, folks. His use of sound is amazing – a knock at the front door will make you dig your nails into your palms, and someone running a stick along corrugated metal will make you want to scream. Has a smoke detector sitting on a chair ever made you want to shout, “RUN! NOW!”? I’m betting not.

It’s supposedly based on the Mansons’ habit of “creepy-crawling,” entering homes of future victims and rearranging furniture and other objects while the occupants slept. I think it would have been far creepier if they’d left the girl’s one real line out of the trailer: when Tyler asks, “Why are you doing this to us?” she replies, “Because you were home.” It is that randomness, the fact that these people have done nothing to deserve this horror, that makes it twice as scary. That line would have been like an icepick to the heart if I had not seen it in the trailer.

SPOILER! And it’s interesting that until the very end, our masked villains actually do nothing TO our people. Even the second-act death was merely orchestrated by them – Hoyt pulled the trigger, unknowingly, on his best friend. It’s true that our intrepid couple falls victim to a classic Horror Movie Blunder: Let’s split up and venture out for help! Face, palm.

This movie speaks to one of the universal creepouts: you’re alone in the house. Or ARE you? But few have done it so well. Usually these movies fall down in the final act due to improbable heroics, sudden deus ex policia, finding the courage to fight back, etc. The script mostly avoids such nonsense – these folks really are on their own, and succeed or fail on their own merits. It helps that they hired real actors –Tyler and Speedman both know their craft, and Speedman in particular shines in the aforementioned shooting scene.

Not bad for a $10 million horror quickie. If you get the chance, ring up THE STRANGERS. But you might not want to go home alone.

WebGeek: Knights of the U.S.S. Enterprise

Today's silly geekfest comes to you via a post by Ken Scholes and created by someone with too much time on his hands and a delirious sense of humor:

You sometimes wonder what the actors themselves think when they see things like this.

MovieGeek: THE HAPPENING

THE HAPPENING

It’s fact: Critics hate M. Night Shyamalan, and the feeling is mutual. Reviews of his movies for years could be summed up in “Good, but not as good as THE SIXTH SENSE,” a phrase poor Shyamalan could have engraved on his tombstone – right next to Orson Welles’ “Good, but not as good as CITIZEN KANE” or David O. Selznick’s “Good, but not as good as GONE WITH THE WIND.” Ask Peter Jackson or James Cameron or Kevin Costner what it’s like to do one enormous, sweeping epic film that wins Best Picture and is therefore the yardstick by which you will be measured for the rest of your career.

But Shyamalan declared war with THE LADY IN THE WATER, a movie I missed, with a highly disagreeable movie-critic character. I was therefore not surprised in the least that most critics hated THE HAPPENING.

I was, however, surprised to find that some of them had a point.

It’s a fascinating premise with high doses of creepy atmosphere, which Shyamalan has always done well. One of my companions to the theater said it was practically a remake of THE BIRDS, in which a force of nature goes berserk for unknown reasons and humans die horribly because of it.

But Hitchcock was content not to explain why the birds went berserk. Maybe it was magnetic forces, or nuclear waste contamination, or Mercury went retrograde. We’ll never know, and it’s better that way. Any explanation will be mere silliness. Back then, you could get away with such things. Audiences could accept the strange, horrific and bizarre without requiring that Scully step in with a rational explanation. I miss those days.

Shyamalan, unfortunately, makes an attempt to explain it via annoying ecological types on news broadcasts and a crazy hot-dog man (don’t ask). It comes off as pandering eco-terror, and it doesn’t work. At least half the critics, clearly unable to suspend disbelief or actively working to keep disbelief on the ground, screamed down the premise as their main objection.

It’s hard to put my finger on what doesn’t work about THE HAPPENING. It could be the writing – where is Shyamalan’s touch of brilliance, characters speaking like people while maintaining eloquence and intelligence? Our central couple is colorless and dull, a schoolteacher (Mark Wahlberg) and his apparently useless wife (Zooey Deschanel, building a career on luminous blue eyes) who may or may not have had an affair, and we don’t care. He has the requisite Minority Best Friend, so you know what’s gonna happen there, a Kid in Danger We Must Protect, and the usual array of clueless victims.

Here’s the thing: there’s some reality to the way this happens. In a disaster, there are a few people who take control and try to come up with a plan for the scared people to follow. Too bad it’s usually a stupid plan.

SPOILERS! Seriously. I realize not everyone has done the extensive study of survivalist tactics that your Friendly Neighborhood CultureGhoul has done. But just about everyone’s watched TV, right? So if there’s an apparently airborne toxin, and you’re driving along the road and there are bodies in front of you, you turn around. Come to an intersection and people are coming from every direction – bodies on all the roads. Surrounded by death, airborne, and probably being caused by plants.

What do you do? Hmm. Let’s get out of the car! Let’s stand in the intersection and read maps – OUTSIDE! Then we’ll hike across a field! Yeeeeeah. Many of these people seem to suffer from allergy of the brain-stem.

Shyamalan gets points for adding humor – watching Wahlberg attempt to placate a ficus is possibly the funniest moment I’ve seen in weeks. But unfortunately, Wahlberg is where most of the movie fell down for me. He didn’t need to be a square-jawed, take-charge hero – in fact, it’s interesting that people keep looking to him for leadership, because he’s not a quick thinker or a decisive one. It makes him a real person, maybe, but a lousy hook on which we must hang an entire movie.

I know Wahlberg can do better: THE PERFECT STORM, THE DEPARTED, SHOOTER... It was therefore direction that made him speak as though reciting lines from a teleprompter, though he was saddled with some execrable dialogue – seriously, “stay ahead of the wind”? Night, what are you smoking?

However, Shyamalan movies are creepy, and on that scale, THE HAPPENING delivers. Extra credit to Betty Buckley as an antisocial hermit, whose eyes were scarier when she was quasi-sane than anything the pseudo-zombies did to themselves. Buckley was the original singer of “Memory” in CATS, but don’t hold that against her – she’s been around for decades as a singer and actress, from the original CARRIE to the TV show OZ.

In all, I was thinking more of a zombie apocalypse than THE BIRDS, only Shyamalan’s infected only cause harm to themselves. While that’s terrifying enough, it does not inspire the utter terror that zombies would – we are horrified for them, not of them. And in the end, we are simply not horrified enough.

P.S. If you've seen the movie and/or don't care about spoilers, read the excellent Cleolinda's THE HAPPENING in Fifteen Minutes, a hilarious recap of the movie from someone who didn't like it as much as I did, but is a much funnier writer.

CultureGeek: Get Down, Lord Vader

Before we sign off for a weekend full of Shyamalan apocalyptica and big stompy green men, I have to share this with you. It is, quite possibly, the most wonderfully geeky clip I have yet seen on the web.

This is more fun than all three of the prequels combined. I do have to wonder... wasn't Chewy BROILING in that getup?? Watch all the way to the end. I dare you not to laugh out loud.

Have a good weekend, and stay out of the rain!

CultureGeek: Richard III Goes Stabbity in Forest Park

Talk about leaving something to the last minute - I finally caught the Shakespeare Festival last night, and I can heartily recommend it.

This year's opus from the Bard is THE TRAGEDY OF RICHARD III, and despite a supremely silly poster, it's a brilliant production. The top performance is, of course, Andrew Borba as Richard. Borba manages the sly, conniving usurper to the throne with perfection, making us laugh even as we recoil in horror. He falters a little at Richard's darker turns in the second act, but in the end, we understand Richard, even as we cheer his inevitable destruction.

Other bright spots include Claudia Robinson as Queen Margaret, whose intensity lit up the stage; Lise Bruneau as Queen Elizabeth, who was the sole woman to truly hold her own against Richard; and young Cameron Davis as the Prince of Wales. Davis is a remarkable surprise, having just graduated high school - where he co-directed THE TEMPEST. His performance as the young prince clearly showed the young man's naivete, but also his nascent kingship and presence. Bravo, Mr. Davis - we shall be seeing more of you.

As always, the Shakespeare Festival is a blast and a half. Sitting out under the stars and listening to the words of the Bard with a glass of wine and your friends is a treat I have not missed for the last several years - even when they stopped serving gelato, to my eternal regret. While the rain is likely to spoil much of the weekend, if you have a chance, see King Richard's fall from grace. You won't be disappointed.

TVGeek: In Plain Sight

It's early to say, but I think I love this show.

Mary McCormack plays Mary Shannon, a U.S. marshal working the federal witness protection program. That means she deals with scuzzballs better-dealing their way out of trouble and random scared people trying to escape the really bad guys.

In between, she manages a marvelously dysfunctional family, a partner whose name is actually Marshall Mann, a homicide cop annoyed at her close-mouthed policy and an uber-hot sort-of boyfriend who seems to hang around for, shall we say, horizontal reasons. Bonus: Her neurotic, hard-drinking mother is played by the delicious Lesley Ann Warren.

McCormack gets to display a wider range of personality than I've seen from her in other shows, and Shannon is a wonderful character. She's a fascinating mix of hard-bitten and harsh with sensitive and compassionate. As her voiceover points out, she's as much a therapist to the protected as she is their protector.

Best of all, she has a wry, sarcastic sense of humor that doesn't grate on the nerves like other TV cops. She doesn't fall apart in a crisis, and she works well with men without looking to bed them. Even though they are all really, really hot. Thank you, USA. There's a little too much "everybody loves Mary" among the gentlemen of the cast - the only one not looking to bed her appears to be her partner, a welcome change of pace.

Honestly, the only false note in the pilot was a running gag between Marshall and their... boss?... trying to decide what to get Shannon for her birthday. It's a shortcut to character backstory, since we determine that Shannon is not a girly-girl. But really, guys, we get that from the manhandling of suspects and kicking down doors.

That, and the fact that I picked out the killer half an hour before Shannon did. But I have the advantage of not being distracted by seventeen disasters on my birthday. Also, I've watched TV before.

IN PLAIN SIGHT was USA's highest-rated premiere since the far-more-advertised THE 4400 in 2004. Summer is always a dead zone for good TV, but IN PLAIN SIGHT is moving to my Tivo list.

BookGeek: Storm Front

STORM FRONT
By Jim Butcher

Ever since the Sci Fi Channel first announced it would launch a Dresden Files television series and I foolishly admitted I had not read the Dresden books, I’ve heard of almost nothing else. “Whaaaaaat?” is the usual response.

Granted, my friends are geeks.

I even picked up a Dresden book once, but discovered upon coming home that it was book six. Upon hearing of my error, a friend forcibly placed book one, STORM FRONT, in my hands. It’s a signed copy, too. I personally wouldn’t let such a thing out of my library, but there you have it.

Recap, in case you’re one of the six readers of this blog who doesn’t have a Harry Dresden T-shirt: Dresden is an honest-to-Zod wizard, a magic practitioner in Chicago. By night, he fights crime. Well, sort of. A lot of the time he tries to keep his tail out of hot water, and not always succeeding. His sidekick is Bob, a lecherous spirit trapped in an ancient skull. He answers – sometimes – to Lt. Murphy, a quasi-believing police detective who brings him in as a consultant on magical crimes.

Here’s the thing: If I had not diligently watched the doomed DRESDEN FILES series, I think I would have enjoyed the book far more. Alas, DRESDEN was demolished by the Firefly Treatment at the hands of a network that should know better. (Imagine if we were forced to watch BATTLESTAR GALACTICA out of order! We’d be hopelessly confused. Well, more confused than we are now. Which is pretty dang confused. I digress.)

The book was to be the 90-minute pilot for the series, and ended up being truncated into a one-hour episode, which aired eighth. It deserved better. Like all good private eyes, Harry Dresden is lured into a web of dark noir-ish deals and ends up with a demon trashing his apartment. Okay, the latter wasn’t strictly Sam Spade, but it beats the standard foreign-accented twerp with a revolver, right?

While Dresden continues to proclaim he is a wizard, not a P.I., the books definitely follow that genre more than the paranormal mystery structure. That’s a good thing – no, a great thing, because it gives reality to one side while reinvigorating the other. We get hints of the power structure underground wizards must survive, and enough backstory to get our grounding without being overwhelmed by it.

Author Jim Butcher does lose major points for yet another gold-digging reporter who sleeps with her sources. But I’ve just come to expect this nonsense in fiction.

I can see why Butcher’s clear prose, wry sense of humor and the detailed, coherent universe of the Dresden Files has created such a powerful fandom. It is too bad that the series was Fireflyed, as it nearly ruined the book for me. But given the astounding success of his latest Dresden hardback, it doesn’t seem that the series’ implosion has dimmed anyone’s love for Harry.

I’ve already picked up the second book.

BookGeek: CultureGeek vs. the Library

I am the worst library patron ever.

It's a sad thing to admit, particularly for one who has had a passionate love affair with the written word since she began reading at age three, but I am a terrible library patron. I tend to check out a lot of books and regularly return them late. I tend to forget I owe money until it's time to check out more books. I'm fairly sure the Edwardsville Public Library has my face up on a dartboard and the books hide behind each other when they see me coming.

On the other hand, I've paid so many fines in the last eight years that they may have named a wing after me.

Currently, I have a movie that's about a week late - MEMENTO. My sister recommended it, and I just haven't gotten around to watching it yet. (Don't ask how long I've had EXCALIBUR from Netflix.) I also have two books on strong women in television and film that are interlibrary loans. I'm fairly sure someone from the Collinsville Library is going to send a legbreaker after these books if I don't get around to reading them.

Four years ago, I checked out a novel titled LABYRINTH by Mark T. Sullivan. It combined two of my favorite things: murder and caving. Whee! Unfortunately, I checked it out right before I moved into my new apartment, and it vanished unread. Multiple searches of the apartment failed to yield it, and eventually I admitted defeat and paid the library for my sins.

"I sure hope it's a good book," I grumbled. Of course, I hadn't lost a nice cheap paperback, folks. It was a hardback with all the trimmings. Ouch. Consider it my donation to the cause of free(ish) literature for the public.

Books tend to breed at Casa CultureGeek. The two bookcases in the bedroom, three in the living room and one in the office are filled, with another layer stacked in front of them and more scattered on, well, every flat surface. I could start my own bookstore, and that's without addressing CultureGeek Jr.'s collection. I am famous for being literally unable to go into a used bookstore without buying something. Last month, I ran a charity booth at Mayfest next to an used-book sale. I took home two boxes, which are currently living in my trunk because there is no room at the inn.

But this week we have guests braving the Apartment Where Books Go To Hide, so we've been indulging in the time-honored tradition of Mad-Dash Cleaning.

Guess what turned up.

It was in a bag of random stuff, which had migrated to the car, then to a large bag of miscellaneous, which found its way into a box behind the couch. Hello, Mr. Sullivan. How's the cave treating you?

This presented something of a quandary. Could I return the book to the library and get my money back? It was a not-inconsiderable sum, after all. On the other hand, I bought the book. I should get to keep it. But what if it stinks?

I have therefore determined that after four years of waiting, I will find out what happens to our intrepid cavers. I will finish LABYRINTH, write it up for this blog, and then decide if the library owes ME money for a change. That would certainly be a first in my personal history.

It might even cover what I owe on those interlibrary loans.

BookGeek: Black Thorn, White Rose

When looking for anthologies, most of the time the discerning reader will look for a headliner name: a Stephen King, Harlan Ellison or similar "marquee" name that indicates this is a serious anthology, not something cobbled together on somebody's kitchen table. Or the reader will look for a theme that suits a particular taste - if science-fiction carnivals or blood-drinking zombies are your thing, there's an anthology for you.

Or you can see that it's edited by Ellen Datlow. Then it doesn't matter if its theme is "plumbers in space" and the headliner is Bubba Schmidt. You're in for a good ride, because Datlow has been picking good stuff since 1981.

"Adult fairytales" sounded like a theme for an erotic romance anthology: watch Snow White get it on with Cinderella! But no, this anthology (co-edited by Terri Windling) continued a series of fairytale retellings for adult readers, with no sex involved. Well, very little. There was "Tattercoats."

As Datlow and Windling make clear in their foreword, fairytales were not originally intended for children. While I've never minded the Disneyfication of these stories - do we really want six-year-olds watching the ugly stepsisters hack off their own toes? - there is something marvelously gothic that is lost for the adult reader.

BLACK THORN, WHITE ROSE finds that gothic brilliance and twists it, exploring new tales in old stories that are heartwrenching, brilliant and entertaining, almost without exception. A few highlights:

"Stronger Than Time" by Patricia C. Wede retells Sleeping Beauty with a twist even I didn't expect, and a bittersweet beauty undreamt-of by Aurora and her Prince. Try a Jewish take on Rumpelstiltskin with "Granny Rumple" by Jane Yolen, or the strangely compelling "Godson" by Roger Zelazny. Peter Straub disturbs us with "Ashputtle" and its bizarre schoolmarm. "Words Like Pale Stones" is the best retelling of Rumpelstilskin I have yet read, with kudos to author Nancy Kress.

I didn't personally care for "Somnus's Fair Maid," another Sleeping Beauty that reads like a regency romance without the sex. There are many who would, however - it's just that regency isn't my bag. "The Frog King, or Iron Henry" by Daniel Quinn was a bit too repetitive, too circular for my taste, though that was obviously the point of it.

I think my favorite was probably "Sweet Bruising Skin" by Storm Constantine, a retelling of the princess and the pea from the queen mother's point of view - and we can see it her way. But the most heartwrenching is indubitably "The Black Swan" by Susan Wade, who follows Constantine with another story of women's attempts to remain beautiful and the price they pay for it. It closes this anthology with the perfect mix of sorrow and rejoicing.

The key is that each story was unique, a vision of the old stories that is so different as to render the underlying fable irrelevant. They may have been inspired by Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and that poor girl sleeping on the pea, but their execution is focused through the prism of the varied minds brought together in this book. The result is a fascinating anthology, definitely worth your time.

I heartily recommend BLACK THORN, WHITE ROSE to any fan of fantasy, to any reader who likes a bit of the macabre in her magic.

A brief pause...

Since it's the beginning of June, and the beginning of summer, sweeps are over and all our favorite serieses (is that a word?) have wrapped.

Some did so quite brilliantly (SUPERNATURAL!) and some fell over and flopped on the ground (SMALLVILLE! BONES!). Some aren't quite done yet but are doing their level best to confuse the heck out of us (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!) and some vanished without a trace, to our sadness (JOURNEYMAN! NEW AMSTERDAM!).

So before we start the summer of our content, I'd like to ask YOU: What would you like to see here?

I've been concentrating more on reviews of books and movies of late, not quite so much the regular TV recaps and Geek News. This comes from my attempt to read your minds (ommmm) and discern what interests you.

Now that the Tivo is empty, what do you want to hear? A parade o' movies, from the summer blockbusters to emptying the Netflix queue? Should I try all the TV serieses (there it is again) that you thought I should have been watching all year but BIONIC WOMAN got in the way? What books should I be reading? (Yes, I've read STORM FRONT and the review is forthcoming, so shush.) Is there a new comic that deserves my attention, as long as it doesn't have the words "Crisis" or "Civil War" in it?

This is CultureGeek, taking requests. Just don't say "American Idol." Not happening.

TVGeek: A brief comical pause...

Because this was just too funny not to share. It's from Shortpacked, a free webcomic by David Willis. And it sums up my attitude toward the finale of SMALLVILLE perfectly. The song lyrics just kill me.

MovieGeek: Prince Caspian

It’s hard to say whether C.S. Lewis would approve of PRINCE CASPIAN: THE VIDEOGAME. But I think he would really enjoy the film adaptation of his novel.

I enjoyed the first movie well enough, but I was not particularly interested in CASPIAN. I must confess that I didn’t really get into the Narnia series past the first book as a youngster. The castle intrigue storyline never really interested me.

But the filmmakers streamlined the novel, intertwining the Pevensies and Caspian earlier and adding a bit of tension between Peter and Caspian. This movie is long and complex and I never really felt that, going along for a highly entertaining ride. The pace is kept up and the humor runs throughout to keep us awake during exposition.

In thinking of the Narnia movies as simple Christian children’s fables, we forget that C.S. Lewis was close friends with J.R.R. Tolkein, both respected Oxford dons and members of the Inklings literary society.

The art direction is simply fantastic, and I must give huge kudos to the fight choreography. This is not the delicate dance of formal swordplay – when Peter faces off against the evil King Miraz, we sense both that Peter is a skilled fighter with many more years than his face suggests, and that this is how men in armor would fight.

All the young actors did an excellent job, working together as a family would and clearly comfortable in their roles. A touch of romance between Caspian and Susan is also a welcome addition – it’s simply natural that these two would take a second look at each other, after all.

Ben Barnes as Prince Caspian carries much of the movie, as the real internal conflict is over his balance of vengeance and justice, of ambition and what is best for the kingdom. Barnes does a competent job, and I expect we will see more of him.

As in the novel, Aslan is reduced to a literal deus ex machina, but we forgive him because he has Liam Neeson’s voice. Extra credit goes to Peter Dinklage as a cynical dwarf who assists the Pevensies and cracked me up three times with his grousing.

In all, I went to PRINCE CASPIAN because CultureGeek Jr. wanted to. His vote, by the way, is that it was “AWESOME!” I did not expect to see one of the best sword-and-sorcery fantasy movies of the past ten years. CASPIAN suffered from only three days in the limelight before Indiana Jones swung in to take over the movie theaters. My advice is to catch it before it disappears.

Note: Douglas Gresham, stepson to C.S. Lewis and executive producer for the movies, cameos as a Telmarine. According to interviews, the creators convinced Gresham to allow Susan’s more active role in the battle by pointing out that Lewis’ attitude toward women changed significantly after he met Joy Gresham. Before his marriage, Lewis tended to cast women in much more passive roles.

MovieGeek: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

How do you review an Indiana Jones movie? When the last one came out, I was in high school, writing reviews for the Bryn Mawrtian.

Look, comparing an Indiana Jones movie to other action movies is like comparing STAR TREK to a Vin Diesel space romp. There's no point of comparison. When Spielberg and Lucas are behind the wheel, you just settle back and enjoy the ride. According to Entertainment Weekly, $126 million from Friday through Sunday would indicate the public agrees, $151 million if you include Wednesday and Thursday's early openings.

I've heard a few whinges about this movie: too much plot, not enough roller derby. Harrison Ford is too old. The plot is too intricate (please, have you people never watched BATTLESTAR GALACTICA?)

I'm sorry to say, the main problem with INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL is... Harrison Ford.

Ow. That hurt to write.

It's not that Ford is too old - we should all be in such shape. It's not that the character isn't written as well (though there's a bit of that - keep Lucas away from the script!). It's that for much of the movie, especially the opening sequence, it's like Ford is phoning in Indiana Jones. The lines are clearly written for Jones, but Ford is saying them like he's someone else.

Yes, he's older, more tired, and apparently has been mostly retired since World War II. Is anyone surprised that the "Part-Time Professor" was up to all sorts of shenanigans against the Nazis? (Now that's a movie I would have liked to see - Indiana Jones as a spy!)

It honestly reminded me of Liam Neeson and Samuel L. Jackson, men of intensity of performance, doing the green-screen dance for George Lucas in the Star Wars prequels. How is it that Lucas can make brilliant actors seem wooden and dull?

Unlike some critics, I liked the undercurrent of the Red Scare and McCarthyism. Unfortunately, it pretty much went nowhere. At first it seemed Spielberg and Lucas were mocking the Red Terror and McCarthyism - always good for mockery - but later, the bad guys are mustache-twirling KGB agents one step removed from Boris and Natasha. Is McCarthyism evil, or was it justified? It's hard to say what the creators were saying.

Then there's the second big problem: the high points of the previous movies were, in my opinion, not a giant cobra or a rolling boulder or an extracted heart or a falling tank.

It was Indiana Jones reaching a near-suicidal depression when he thought Marian Ravenwood was dead. It was watching our hero backhand a young boy he thought of like a son while in the throes of mind control. It was a father explaining his lifelong obsession to his son, and sharing a sad memory of the wife and mother they lost. It was the moment when Henry Jones Sr. realized his son had survived the crash and held him close.

There is, unfortunately, no such moment in this movie. Cataclysmic personal revelations - which you can all guess if you've watched the previews and have half a brain - are dealt with mostly in a comic manner. Putting our heroes at death's door once again should have been remarkably more tension-filled. Surprises were few, and I don't even feel like looking up the physics of the refrigerator thing.

It is not a PHANTOM MENACE, I'm happy to say. There was no point where I looked at my watch or rolled my eyes in disgust. As to the science fiction element - oh, please, people. Magic stones, an eternal-life Grail, the Ark of the Covenant melting Nazis... is it really such a stretch?

But it was clearly Lucasified - stunts performed with special effects, no real sense of danger. And it was the least gross of the four movies. There is a vast difference between watching a real stuntman dragged under a truck and watching pixels dance on the screen, no matter how well-designed. There's a grittiness to the previous movies that has been glossed over here, and it pains me to know that Lucas did consider the old approach... and abandoned it in favor of the new toys.

I agree with FilmThreat.com, which said it doesn't seem to be possible for Lucas to do a movie these days without one-third of it existing solely of pixels. "I realize in this day and age that it’s no longer necessary to go overseas and shoot scenes set in overseas locales... except that’s what they did for the first three movies," the reviewer writs. "Far too much of the film’s second half is a frenetic assault of obvious green screen crapola... and is it really so hard to use actual monkeys? Really?"

That said, Ford and Karen Allen fell back into their old bickering as easily as ever, and Cate Blanchett made for an interesting villain, horrible hairstyle notwithstanding. Shia LeBouef surprised me yet again by perfecting a cocky, improvisational manner that reminds us of a younger man who wore a fedora. There's more than a hint that Mutt Williams could go on to do his own movies... and wouldn't that be fun?

Just don't let Lucas near the script this time.

For a little extra fun, check out Television Without Pity's hilarious indictment of Indiana Jones: Criminal or Scientist?

CultureGeek: Ren Faire Time!

As we head into this glorious Memorial Day weekend, folks, I'd like to suggest an alternative to fattening grilled meats and endless sporting events and sneaking off to see INDIANA JONES in the movie theater.

I suggest you try out the St. Louis Renaissance Faire.

Welcome to Petit Lyon, a 16th-century French village right here in the St. Louis area. Go comfy in shorts and sneakers, or dress up in your best garb. Nothing is out of place here.

Watch knights on horseback conduct a real joust before the King (with paramedics standing nervously by). Enjoy a turkey leg, a mug of ale and the Celtic trills of the incomparable Three Pints Gone. Peruse the best collection of fantasy and medieval art this side of Dragoncon, or pick up lovely handmade jewelry and costumes at the various vendors.

The kids get to seek out stamps from actors portraying the common roles of the medieval time, and upon completing their tasks, are knighted (or princessed) by the Queen's handmaiden. If you look quickly, you might spy Robin Hood and Maid Marian ducking away between the trees as the Middle Eastern dance troupe performs and the King parades by with his court.

Folks, it's a barrel of fun. CultureGeek Jr. and I attended last weekend, and we had a blast. Dig up the old Halloween costume if you want, or just go to observe. The kids might see a faerie in the woods, and they'll definitely have a good time.

I won't lie to you - it's a long drive, approximately one hour from Madison County to Wentzville's Rotary Park. If you go to their web site, you can download a coupon that helps defray the cost of the gas. But folks, it's worth it.

The St. Louis Renaissance Faire runs Saturdays and Sundays through June 8, plus Memorial Day. And if you see the Queen, remember to bow!

TVGeek: The Twilight Zone

It's my day off, and instead of doing laundry, I got sucked into a particularly creepy episode of THE TWILIGHT ZONE, written by Richard Matheson himself. And just as we're about to turn to the final horror... the Tivo stopped recording.

I spit my venom at Richard Matheson!
And at the stupid channel that sets TWILIGHT ZONE seven minutes off the clock!

(Yeah, I looked up the ending. Ain't the same.)

I wish THE TWILIGHT ZONE were still around. There have been the occasional attempts in recent years at anthology series - MASTERS OF SCIENCE FICTION, Stephen King's NIGHTMARES AND DREAMSCAPES, etc. The ratings have not spurred networks to leap into anthologies again. This is a tragedy, as ND was quite good and MSF suffered only from dreadfully melodramatic music. Watching those series made it quite plausible that a well-written anthology series with good guest stars taking a break from their usual gigs would take off like, well, a rocket.

Oh TWILIGHT ZONE, with its ambiguous endings and unsolved mysteries and random strangeness with paranoia and horror dancing together just around each corner, with ordinary people standing horrorstruck in the middle of Anytown, U.S.A. at something that simply shouldn't EXIST.

They tried to pick it up a couple of times, most recently with Forest Whitaker as the announcer. It died after one season. Rumor has it they're going to try again in 2009.

Please? Oh please, do it. Normally I hate revivals/remakes as vague shadows of the original. But I've read enough short stories to know that we could do this again... if only there were someone sufficiently twisted behind the wheel. If I thought it would work, I would summon the chain-smoking ghost of Rod Serling to haunt the writers' room and offer his advice.

Now THAT sounds like a Twilight Zone episode.

MovieGeek: Iron Man

IRON MAN
Starring Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges
Directed by Jon Favreau

Confession: I've never read an Iron Man comic. I therefore cannot attest to the comic fidelity of this movie.

That said, it completely rocked.

Perhaps in a better movie year, IRON MAN would have vanished into obscurity. But we've had nothing worth watching for months, so IRON MAN stands out like a red-and-gold giant amidst tin soldiers.

Robert Downey Jr. is perfectly cast as Tony Stark, an alcoholic arms merchant and mechanical genius who goes through the worst of detox clinics: being held captive in Afghanistan by insurgents armed with the very weapons he's been selling.

It's been pointed out that Downey is a good choice to play a brilliant man with, shall we say, personality defects and a poor public image. Confession: Your friendly neighborhood CultureGeek met Mr. Downey on the set of U.S. MARSHALS. He seemed friendly (and sober) enough to me. But that, my friends, is a story for another time.

Upon Stark's (inevitable) escape, via a self-built suit of armor the knights of the Crusades would envy, he sets himself to the task of ridding the "bad guys" of his superweapons, which someone has been selling under the table.

Among comic book movies, it's a step above because it takes notice of real-world issues and hired real actors to deal with them. It is such a relief to see Oscar-nominated actors who take their craft seriously in this kind of movie. (Among the three leads, there are six nominations and one win, Paltrow for SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE.) But among adult movies, it loses a step or two because it deals with said problems in a comic-book fashion: old-fashioned violence!

It's hard to turn off the reporter in me. Where was the Department of Defense or Congressional oversight, following up on Stark Industries' under-table deals? Perhaps the CIA would have something to say about it, eh? The proper course for Tony Stark would be to testify before a Senate subcommittee, not build a supersuit to fight crime and evil terrorists.

This is, of course, where the story also breaks down: comic-book absolute evil, with the bad guys practically wearing black hats and no explanation of who they are and what they fight for, a complex issue in modern Afghanistan. A little more balance would have been good for the grownups.

It also loses several points for Example No. 389853 of a venal journalist. In this case, it's a supermodel working for Vanity Fair, who attacks Stark with his company's record, then abandons her principles in 6.5 seconds to roll in the hay with him. Then she gets huffy when he can't remember her name. Yawn.

But you know? That's okay. No one expected the Fantastic Four to debate the geopolitical complications involved in their multi-nation tour of "kick Silver Surfer off his board," and there was no redeeming factor in Venom vs. Spider-Man. (Ooh, bad example.) It's just that elsewhere, IRON MAN is grownup enough to actually raise these questions.

The dynamic between Jeff Bridges and Downey is strongly paternalistic, funny since they're only 15 years apart. While I could have used less dewy-eyed devotion on Paltrow's Pepper Potts (such a comic-book name!), she holds her own in an honestly nailbiting industrial-espionage showdown. Putting her in harm's way was perhaps inevitable, but it is redeemed by Downey's heart-rending reaction. At least she didn't end up dangled off a bridge.

In all, you don't have to shut off all your brain to enjoy IRON MAN. For that matter, you can bring the kids. There were only two points where I covered CultureGeek Jr.'s eyes, and neither turned out to be graphic enough to require it. More to the point: When Iron Man soared, he leaned forward in excitement, barely restraining himself from leaping up in concert with the hero. By the two-thirds mark, he whispered that "we have got to get this on DVD!"

A final note: Hang out through the credits. There's a snippet at the end you absolutely have to see. Just trust your CultureGeek.

TVGeek: The 2007 Freshman Class

Here we go, folks. I kept quiet during the upfronts, but just for laughs, I thought I'd take a look at this past season's fun and games among the freshman class.

Among the freshman class, nearly every show I watched is DOA. Farewell to "Back to You," "Bionic Woman," "The Dresden Files," "Drive," "K-ville" and even "Moonlight," which I continued to watch with the fondness one has for a rather stupid, mangy pet. I was most surprised by "Back to You"'s cancellation - it was amusing enough.

But it is to "Journeyman" that I reluctantly award the Firefly Memorial Award for Series That Never Had a Chance. "Journeyman" was smart, honest, well-written and hired people who can actually act. It got bonus points for being the only positive portrayal of journalists I've seen in years. "The Dresden Files" almost upended it, since Sci-Fi gave Harry Dresden the Firefly treatment with episodes aired out of order. But "Journeyman" was simply the best show of the year, dead on arrival.

Then there are the rest of the fallen. Farewell to: "Big Shots," "Cane," "Carpoolers," "Life is Wild," "October Road," "Women's Murder Club" and my pick for the first to die, "Cavemen." Sorry, gentlemen, an annoying ad campaign does not a sitcom make. As much as I'd like to hate it the most, I give the biggest Bronx Cheer to "Aliens in America," which created "humor" out of a suburban American family that wants to "return" an exchange student because he's Muslim and creates "jokes" out of hapless fish-out-of-water nonsense borne of ethnic and religious stereotype. Rest in pieces.

Of the survivors, let us all cheer the only show that deserved to survive: "Chuck." The premise stretches credulity and the cheesecake gets a little annoying from time to time and the character interplay is sometimes cartoonish. So what? It was a blast and a half, and I'm glad we'll get another round. If only to see Adam Baldwin's square jaw twitch some more.

Some folks out there will be happy to see "Pushing Daisies" get a renew order, especially since it only got nine out of its 22-episode order. Also popular was "Life," "Reaper," which I never watched past the premiere, and Holly Hunter's "Saving Grace." "The Sarah Conner Chronicles" continues to give me fits – you can see the real show hiding behind waves of dreck – and it's going to get another season to annoy me with Lena Headey's skinny arms.

Also returning: "Big Bang Theory," "Burn Notice," "Dirty Sexy Money," "Gossip Girl," "Mad Men," "Private Practice," "The Riches," "Samantha Who?" and "The Unit." All of these walk the earth while we bid farewell to "Journeyman."

After the strike, networks started handing out pink slips. We say farewell to "The 4400," "7th Heaven," "Crossing Jordan," "Gilmore Girls," "King of Queens," "Reba" and "The O.C." But it is to "The Dead Zone" that I shed a tear. Its last season was a dramatic change of pace that destroyed all its years of strong, intelligent drama. I wasn't surprised to see it go, but I will miss it.

Soon you'll get a preview of upcoming series, including Joss Whedon's long-overdue return to television. But it's on Fox, so be sure to catch it before it's canceled.

MovieGeek: Take away my bluescreen!

I recall sitting in the venerable Senator Theater in Baltimore on a summer evening in 1991. I was at the movies by myself, because none of my friends wanted to go see some horror-sf sequel called TERMINATOR 2.

But I was enthralled, for a dozen reasons. But one of the most compelling was this new technology they showed us. I ran home afterward and told the Film Professor that he absolutely needed to see this movie - even if it wasn't an exciting story with good acting and a kick-butt heroine unlike any I'd ever seen, it had this neat... morphing thing! Like they were using computers to draw, only making it look real!

T2 was really the nascent birth of CGI, and immediately Hollywood fell in love with it. It's hard to imagine a movie now that doesn't have some kind of computerized effect, whether it's removing Gary Sinese's legs in FORREST GUMP or creating the walking trees of LORD OF THE RINGS. It's allowed us to do movies that never could have been done outside of animation.

And sometimes, it stinks.

Look, I love that we're able to make Aslan speak and Iron Man fly. But sometimes I think we've lost something in this world of Industrial Light and Magic. It's an odd thing to say on the eve of the summer blockbuster season, I know.

When Christopher Reeve donned the red cape in the first SUPERMAN, it may have been a royal pain to spend endless days in a flying harness. But compare those wonderful effects with poor Brandon Routh, who turned into CGI when his boots left the ground. Yes, he could do more interesting things. Yes, he could hover in a Christlike pose soaking in the sun to heal himself. But it just wasn't as real.

And hey, I absolutely loved watching Yoda's two-foot self in a lightsaber battle with Christopher Lee. But somehow the CGI Yoda failed to capture the character the way Jim Henson's puppet did. The puppet can't fight a battle, but it could emote in a way computers simply cannot.

I was thinking about this because we picked up the Indiana Jones Adventure Set. It's remedial viewing, as CultureGeek Jr. needs to be properly prepared for next week's premiere. I covered his eyes during the melting face from RAIDERS, but after he went to bed, I watched the special feature about it.

Turns out they built a fake skull, then layered it with gelatin in various shades of red, veined with blue yarn, and coated with flesh-colored gelatin. Then they used propane heaters to make it melt. It was soft gelatin, but it still took about ten minutes to melt. Then they sped it up to 240 times the speed for the brief shot that made RAIDERS into a horror movie.

The special effects man, explaining how he did this, said if they were to make RAIDERS today, he'd still do it the same way, but clean it up a bit with computers - he can see flaws he'd like to correct. (Nobody tell Lucas - they already removed the obvious pane of glass between Harrison Ford and the asp in the Well of Souls.)

But if they were making RAIDERS today, they wouldn't waste time melting gelatin with propane lamps. A melting face is nothing to the megacomputers of ILM, right? Somehow, though, I just don't think it would have the same impact. There's a reality to a practical effect that we lose in CGI.

As we were watching the movie, I explained to CultureGeek Jr. that the under-the-truck stunt was a real guy. It wasn't a computerized guy - it was a real stuntman doing that. His eyes widened, and he watched the scene with new respect. He's used to the cheat, you see. Nothing impresses him when it's only pixels at risk.

I have no doubt that the summer lineup will give us a visual array to make even the Wachowski Brothers blink twice. The CGI geniuses will put forth their best art for us, and I do appreciate the skill it takes to do this job well.

But sometimes, I wish they'd just melt some Jell-O and see what happens.

TVGeek: 21 Jump Street - The Movie?

Oh no you don't.

I will put up with remakes of every horror movie from AMITYVILLE to WHEN A STRANGER CALLS. I will put up with endless cribbing from Asian horror and recasting Rachel Weisz to ruin my MUMMYs. I will even enjoy I AM LEGEND while ignoring its completely rewritten ending.

But.

Jonah Hill of SUPERBAD developing a 21 JUMP STREET movie??

You know, if they did a 21 JUMP STREET movie, I'd probably be thrilled. Face it: I was a tween in the heyday of JUMP STREET, and therefore I was required to be in love with Johnny Depp. Along with every heterosexual red-blooded American girl.

I also had a crush on Peter Deluise,