CultureGeek

Temporary Hiatus...

To my loyal readers: I am going on vacation. CultureGeeks have to live too. I will return on Sept. 5, full of brand new Geek News and lots of fun for you.

In the meantime, I offer this entry as a virtual Suggestion Box. The new season is about to start, and as you all know, I live and die by your command. (Just kidding.)

What do you want to see this fall? More Geek News? Episode reviews? Which shows are worth my attention? Enough with the Geek News already? More WikiFacts? Something else entirely?

I will not watch AMERICAN IDOL. I love my readers, but not that much. Sorry.

I'll see you after Labor Day. Have a fun, safe holiday, watch some movies, and just like Ahnold... I'll be back!

MovieGeek: Friday Round-Up

Here we go...

RESURRECTING THE CHAMP
Directed by Rod Lurie
Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Josh Hartnett, Alan Alda

A struggling sports reporter (Hartnett) encounters homeless Champ (Jackson) and discovers he is the one-time boxing champion Bob Satterfield. He tries to resurrect the once-great man in the eyes of the media.

Reviews are mixed at 60 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. "Speechy monologues on the responsibilities of journalism, the particular evil of infotainment, and the gooey sanctity of the bond between fathers and sons all but nullify Jackson's zesty performance," says Lisa Schwarzbaum of ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. But the Chicago Reader says despite the "treacle" of the last act, most of the story "takes the inspirational sports drama into unexpected and morally complex territory."

MR. BEAN'S HOLIDAY
Directed by Steve Bendelack
Starring Rowan Atkinson

Do you need a summary? Mr. Bean, the wordless misfit who excels at pratfalls, attempts to go on holiday to the French Riviera and wreaks havoc across the French countryside.

"If you've seen 10 minutes of Rowan Atkinson's Mr. Bean routine, you've seen it all," says the Arizona Daily Star. I've only seen the previews, and I can tell I won't be giving them my money. But the New York Times says Atkinson's "comic pantomime" never gets stale. At 46 percent, not everyone agrees. The Washington Post sums it up: "Do you Bean? If you do Bean, rejoice. Bean is back. If you don't Bean, here's a chance to start." I'll pass.

THE NANNY DIARIES
Directed by Robert Pulcini
Starring Scarlett Johnasson, Laura Linney

Johansson plays a nanny employed by Linney in this self-described "comedy about life at the top, as seen from the bottom." The previews actually looked funny.

"The unfaithful film adaptation so undermines the novel's spiky social satire that it constitutes some kind of aesthetic crime," says the Minneapolis Star Tribune, making me want to read the book despite the movie's 26-percent rating. Many reviewers slammed the stereotypes in this working poor vs. obnoxiously rich "satire," with unfair comparisons to THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. "An awful lot of good talent has been squandered in this by-the-numbers film version of the bestselling tell-all about the lifestyles and child-rearing habits of the rich residents of New York's Upper East Side," says the Austin Chronicle.

WAR
Directed by Phillip Atwell
Starring Jet Li, Jason Statham

Jason Statham plays an FBI agent on the trail of an elusive assassin (Li) whom he believes killed his partner and family. His search ignites a crim war between the Triad and Yakuza mob rivals. Not enough reviewers for Rotten Tomatoes to give it a rating, which doesn't bode well, but it's playing at Kerasotes theaters.

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: When I am forced to recommend a girly comedy, you know we've hit the post-summer nadir. Instead, I'll tell you to GO SEE STARDUST ALREADY.

Why? Because it was an excellent film, and one that you can take the kids to enjoy or simply go yourself with equal enjoyment. Filled with Neil Gaiman's quirky British humor, STARDUST is an old-fashioned quest fantasy, following a young man on his journey to find a fallen star (Claire Danes) and present her to his ladylove.

It doesn't have the wink-wink nudge-nudge adult "comedy" that allegedly spices up modern fantasy romps to keep the adults awake. And it's a welcome lack, because this is a fantasy that makes an adult feel young again. By the time the unicorn appeared, my son whispered, "We have to get this on DVD." And the unicorn didn't whine about its horn or perform some "unexpected" twist to defy our expectations - it did what unicorns do, save the maiden. Just like the old days. None of the knowing "humor" of the SHREK movies or the treacly satire of, say, HAPPILY N'EVER AFTER. Best of all: not a single fart gag or "comedy" relating to bodily functions. Hallelujah!

Just a fun ride, with a somewhat predictable story enlivened by Michelle Pfeiffer as the requisite Evil Witch and Robert De Niro (yes, you read that right) as a sky pirate gathering lightning in his sailing ship. C'mon, what else do you need? Extra points for the wisecracking ghosts and the twist in De Niro's character. A cameo appearance by Peter O'Toole, people!

Vote with your dollars. Tell Hollywood an imaginative, fun quest like STARDUST is worth ten remakes and twenty by-the-numbers romantic comedies. Go see it, and take the kids. You won't have to cover their eyes even once, but you won't be bored. Sky pirates!

Geek News!

It's the all-Sci Fi Wire Geek News! My apologies, I try to mix it up, but the news service of the Sci Fi Channel is chock full of good (?) stuff today.

In the category of Leave My Childhood Alone, Todd McFarlane is preparing a revisionist take on THE WIZARD OF OZ. Yes, the creator of SPAWN is teaming with writer Josh Olsen on an adaptation of the L. Frank Baum books. McFarlane wants something "dark, edge and muscular PG-13," according to Sci Fi Wire. Meanwhile, the Sci Fi Channel is preparing TIN MAN, a miniseries loosely based on Baum's work, for December. When I'm less afraid of the Sci Fi Channel's take on a story than the major motion picture...

Ron Livingston will join in THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE, the movie adaptation of the Audrey Niffenegger novel starring Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams. It is directed by Robert Schwentke and follows a librarian whose genes cause him to involuntarily time-travel. This is a complication for his marriage, as you can imagine. Shooting begins in September.

So Paramount announced this week that all its DVDs will be HD DVDs. The only exception will be Spielberg movies (including Indiana Jones) because Spielberg has enough clout to insist his work is available in all formats. Is this the final blow in the HD DVD-vs. Blu Ray war? Who knows? Meanwhile, Michael Bay allegedly told the internet that he was dropping out of the TRANSFORMERS sequel because of this announcement, but immediately backed off. "Nothing good ever comes out of early A.M. posts, mind you," Bay said, calling his statement an overreaction. As for me, I'm following the Film Professor's advice and waiting until one of them dies out. Who wants a library full of Betamax?

SPOILERS! The STAR TREK movie starts shooting in November, and Zachary Quinto said his part as Spock will be shot between his shoots as Sylar. Sylar's not dead! (Duh.) He's going to be dealing with the younger Spock, coming to grips with his dual nature, Quinto said. Ah, the power of a single smile, as Leonard Nimoy's Spock smiled briefly in "The Menagerie" flashbacks and never since (except when he was hopped up on goofballs, but that was a dumb episode).

Remake of the Day: LOGAN'S RUN is back, written by Tim Sexton (CHILDREN OF MEN) and directed by Joseph Kosinski (Who? He's only done commercials up till now. Yikes.) Bryan Singer had begun the project before he skipped out for SUPERMAN RETURNS. The only good news: they expect it to be a "low-tech science fiction story" that will be closer to the William F. Nolan novel than the 1976 Michael York movie.

And to think I went to Sci Fi Wire to see what they thought of STARDUST...

MovieGeek: THE INVASION

THE INVASION
Starring Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig

It's been a long time since my opinion was so totally at odds with the reviewers AND the horror community. Overall, THE INVASION has been panned, both for being the fourth remake of a classic horror movie and for its last-minute studio-ordered changes.

I'm really not sure what the studio ordered changed, and I look forward to the DVD where we might see alternate endings or some such fun. But what I saw, on its own merits, was a good, creepy horror flick.

The key to THE INVASION is conveying the idea of the zombielike "others" as subtly as possible. With a few notable exceptions, this movie succeeded. Even the bit actors were able convey Otherness with only their eyes. Afterward, you will find yourself wondering just how often you meet the gaze of a perfect stranger. The Others meet your gaze with blank calmness, and it's disturbing in a visceral who-do-you-trust way.

Daniel Craig was, sadly, limited by his sidekick role and surprisingly bland performance. Nicole Kidman was slammed elsewhere for her performance, unfairly so, though perhaps my judgment is clouded by overidentification. She is, after all, playing a single mom trying to protect her child, and her struggle is compounded by the craziness happening during a Visitation with the Ex. As any single mom will tell you, there is no easy way to get through that weekend, especially not the FIRST one.

Her frantic attempts to find her son as she realizes a) that the world is breaking apart and b) that her Ex is one of the Others resonate deeply with a mother, and I wager with all parents. This is real horror: taking the ordinary fears that exist in all of us and putting them in extraordinary circumstances, forcing us to confront our worst nightmares in a horror-movie face.

But there's a more intellectual side to the horror that all four INVASION movies bring up. After all, these are not rotting zombies shambling after us with brain-eating intentions. They are just... a little different. Calm. Methodical. It's interesting to watch the background news while Our Heroes are struggling: the Others manage to quickly and calmly defuse Iraq, Darfur and any number of global conflicts.

It's as though John Lennon's "Imagine" comes to pass, and it highlights both a Russian diplomat's somewhat obnoxious diatribe in the early part of the movie AND my own problems with the song so many see as idyllic. All my life, however, I have wondered what is so wonderful about the world "Imagine" describes: If there is nothing to kill or die for, is there anything to live for?

INVASION is another horror-sf story that deals with what it means to be human, which seems to be the CultureGeek theme of late. As an Other argues toward the end: Is it really so bad to be taken over by peace and tranquility? So what if it means giving up individuality, personal freedom and the higher emotions of being a human?

And yet those of us who value our individuality cannot help but shudder as people are dragged screaming to be "changed" by blank-faced Others, a literal fate worse than death.

For zombie fans, INVASION will provide a quick fix in a mostly zombie-free summer, with just enough grossness to keep them happy. There's a scene on the subway that is particularly zombie-esque, and since I prefer screaming scary to dripping gross, I liked it a whole lot more than, um, just about everyone else.

And on an individual level, the paranoia induced by previous INVASIONs is aptly captured here. You will be afraid to meet the eyes of other patrons as you leave the theater. What if they look back at you with the blank face of the Other? Who among your loved ones might be One of Them?

Now THAT'S horror.

TVGeek: MASTERS OF SCIENCE FICTION

MASTERS OF SCIENCE FICTION: "Jerry Was a Man"

Someone was trying to have a little too much fun with "Jerry Was a Man," in which Anne Heche plays a spoiled billionaire suddenly moved to save a "lesser" man scheduled for destruction.

The Joes, as they call them, are genetically designed humanlike "people" with limited mental capacities, ordered into servile jobs like janitor or mine sweeper. When they have reached the limits of their usefulness, they are killed and ground into dog food.

There are serious undercurrents to this future, in which science is used to create pygmy elephants as pets for the uber-rich, and Malcolm McDowell plays a scientist self-described as a French toymaker three years before they drop the guillotine on Marie Antoinette. It is a society with the most rigid of caste systems, and the biggest flaw in this story is its failure to truly explore that society. We see Heche as the seventh-richest woman in the world, and we see Jerry as the genetically-designed slave. We never see the in-between, so either there is no more middle class - unlikely, as McDowell's tantrum indicates he expects a revolution - or they simply couldn't be bothered to show it to us.

I'm sorry to say, the music continues to detract from the experience of this marvelous series, and far more seriously here than in "A Clean Escape." The camp atmosphere deliberately added by director Michael Tolkin detracts from the power of the story. As McDowell rants to himself, the skipping music makes me want to filter it out so I can appreciate what he's saying. I'm beginning to think the reviewer who mocked sf fans in his discussion bribed the music man.

The "news coverage" was equally undercut with skippy music belonging in a comedy. Worst of all were the cheerful chimes when the plaintiff's attorney began an end-of-segment speech. Perhaps someone thought of this as a comedy, but it deals with very serious issues about technology, sentient artificial life and the future of ethical science.

I wish they had calmed down the music and kitsch to pay closer attention to the story. I wish they had balanced the light parody with a real look at the darkness of the Joes' treatment. We see Heche's horror at the casual way the Joes are blown up on a minefield or marched to the dog-food grinder, but we never really feel that horror ourselves, though we know we should.

Perhaps I am spoiled by the recent rerun of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION's "Measure of a Man," in my opinion one of the finest moments of that series' excellent run. In it, the android Data is put on trial for his sentience. The arguments made there are the arguments that should have permeated "Jerry Was a Man": what does it mean to be human, and when does our mastery over technology become a high-tech form of slavery?

"Measure of a Man" is, naturally, one of hope, of new life and new civilizations, sought out by the open-minded who have a deep and abiding respect for life in all its forms. That which makes us human, it argues, is our sense of purpose, our curiosity, compassion and the need to better ourselves, the friendships and kindnesses that bind us to each other.

"Jerry Was a Man," conversely, argues that what makes us human are our less attractive traits: selfishness, lying, willingness to harm others to preserve ourselves. I have never read the Robert A. Heinlein story on which this was based, but was the father of modern science fiction really so jaded as that?

The fact that this show continues to bring up such philosophical debates indicates its quality. Reuters' review says it's "too artistic for ABC."

"But hey, as long as there's room in sweeps for such literary masterpieces as "National Bingo Night" and "Shaq's Big Challenge," ABC should remain safely insulated from most programming that could somehow be construed as brainier than your average speed-dating mixer," writes reviewer Ray Richmond.

Even with a less-enjoyable episode, I'm mulling deeper subjects than AMERICAN IDOL could ever produce. If you're not watching this show, you're truly missing out on something that could exercise some brain cells. Just try to overlook the music.

Geek News!

IESB.net reports that the Justice League movie may actually fly next year. They hope to launch The Flash, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern and Aquaman (possibly into their own spinoffs) and rejuvenate Superman. Apparently the $390 million SUPERMAN RETURNS made isn't sufficient for Warner Bros., which is considering scrapping THE MAN OF STEEL altogether and/or recasting Big Blue - what, is Routh being blamed for the writing being so dull? That's hardly fair. IESB's blogger agrees with me...

A huge star has signed to join HEROES this season! An amazing talent long overlooked! No, I'm not talking about Kristen Bell. Nichelle Nichols, reigning queen of breaking racial barriers on television, will follow Trek co-star George Takei onto the hit show. Nichols plays a New Orleans grandmother whose daughter died in Hurricane Katrina and whose grandchild is out for revenge. Nichols' character is also Micah's great-aunt, folks. And yes, Kristen Bell of the late lamented VERONICA MARS has accepted a part with ties to Peter Petrelli, Bad Glasses Dad and Claire Bennet. Bell had turned down LOST and has two movies coming out along with her voiceover part on GOSSIP GIRL...

Dark Horizons reports that early photography is beginning for the next James Bond movie, as the Palio di Siena horse race will serve as the background for a chase scene. Daniel Craig will resume his place as the current Bond, and there will be scenes in the Tuscan village of Siena (as well as medieval aqueducts and a network of tunnels under the city. Cool!)....

There's no avoiding Zac Efron. The teen star of the HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL nonsense is also in HAIRSPRAY (out in theaters) and is considering ME AND ORSON WELLES, a movie about 17-year-old Richard Samuels, who was cast in Welles' Broadway debut of JULIUS CAESAR. He's also signed to be in SEVENTEEN, a teen love story. Meanwhile, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 was the most-watched basic-cable telecast of all time, with 17.24 million viewers...

Speaking of horror, SUPERBAD startled everyone by making a huge $31 million with its lowbrow sex comedy, while Nicole Kidman's far superior THE INVASION made only $6 million. Hey, one-millionth of that was from me! (Reviews coming soon.) STARDUST, which also is excellent, has made only $19 million. I weep for the future.

TVGeek: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

Batten down the hatches, here it comes. The sacchirine-sweet silliness that has captured every preteen in the U.S. will debut its sequel tonight. As much as I'd like to ignore it, this is a pop culture blog, and no one can doubt that HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL has become a pop culture phenomenon.

Don't think it's such a big deal? Ask the Edwardsville YMCA, which is holding a special HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 premiere party and parent's night out Saturday evening. Hundreds of children are expected to roller-skate, party and enjoy a special viewing of the movie, while their parents escape for a few hours free of Troy and Gabriela.

(Am I too harsh? Here's what I thought of the first movie.)

The made-for-Disney-Channel HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL has been seen by more than 170 million people in 100 countries and spun into the crackerjack Disney marketing machine. DVDs, books, a No. 1 soundtrack album selling 7 million CDs... you can get a HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL comforter set at Wal-Mart to make your HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL folders and notebooks.

(What can I say? CultureGeek Jr. demanded at least half his stuff featured the jumping kids of Disney County. I at least talked him into a SPIDERMAN 3 binder.)

The concert tour was enthusiastically received in Latin America as well as the U.S., a stage version just opened in Chicago and there will be about 2,000 high-school productions of HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL by the end of the year.

Will it finally be over when the new movie premieres? Of course not. HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 is in production now for a 2008 release... into theaters. Out of the small screen, into the big bad world of "real" cinema.

Parents take heart. New Kids on the Block and Vanilla Ice used to be popular, too.

Geek News!

A slew o' remakes, prequels and only one cancellation, but don't worry - you'll never miss it.

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Remake of the Day: ISLE OF THE DEAD, originally starring Boris Karloff. Writers Brian Horiuchi and Matt Lazarus (hee) are doing it for RKO. Karloff's picture focused on a military commander on a plague-ridden island, and as the deaths mount up, they begin to suspect a vampire-demon of causing the deaths. The remake will be set in Afghanistan. No director is set.

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Speaking of remakes, Hollywood Reporter has confirmed what we reported here months ago: Len Wiseman (LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD) is negotiating to remake ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK with Gerard Butler as Snake Plissken. Go ahead and scream now. As far as I'm concerned, Kurt Russell can still play Snake. He's holding together better than Dorian Gray...

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And I take it back. Remake of the Day is actually Roland Emmerich's bid to redo FANTASTIC VOYAGE. The writers of NATIONAL TREASURE are updating the story of a five-scientist crew miniaturized and injected into the bloodstream of a dying friend to destroy the blood clot. But will it have Martin Short gyrating with a miniaturized Dennis Quaid in his ear?* Speaking of Emmerich remakes, he's finished 10,000 BC, which will be released March 7.

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The MUMMY movies just keep going backwards. Not satisfied with THE SCORPION KING, which followed the backstory of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's character from THE MUMMY RETURNS, they are now doing a prequel to the prequel. Bad sign: Johnson isn't returning. The only redeeming factor of that movie** was that Johnson wasn't half-bad in the sort of barbarian character a young Schwarzenegger played. Who will play the new Scorpion King? Someone with an "exotic quality: Polynesian, mixed-race, Arabic, brunette." And the physique of a bodybuilder and the abilty to turn back one-liners better than the Governator ever managed. The line just got a lot shorter.

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As blogger Yendi hilariously points out, "PAINKILLER JANE canceled; no one notices." So long, Jane. Kristanna Loken probably deserved better, and I know the character did. But no one in Hollywood seems to be able to write strong women since James Cameron stopped writing and Joss Whedon got sucked into development hell.

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* Yes, I know that's INNERSPACE. I still find it hilarious.
** Well, that and Michael Clarke Duncan, who's just cool in anything he does. Anything. I could watch him do shampoo commercials. If he had hair.

TVGeek: Beyond the Final Frontier

STAR TREK: BEYOND THE FINAL FRONTIER

"We were ordinary people in extraordinary situations going where no man or woman had gone before."
- Nichelle Nichols

Leonard Nimoy had the unenviable job of thanking "the most loyal fans in the history of television" as he hosted this documentary about the mass sale of Star Trek props by Paramount. It is not worthy of his time, as the few pieces of Trek trivia, while enjoyable, are sadly undercut by a production team that had little respect for its subject and even less for the people it interviewed.

The galactic fire sale was a big press item at the time, but right away it leaves a bad taste in the fan's mouth: Paramount as some kind of benevolent master passing out the props to the fans? Or is it simply that Paramount wanted to clear warehouse space and thought this might bring in extra dough? Yeah.

There's some honesty to the reminscing, as always coming from George Takei. He tells us the original crew was miffed when they heard there would a Next Generation, especially James Doohan. Takei has rarely minced words about the uglier parts of Trek history, despite his role as standard bearer for the Trek legacy. I personally watched him trounce some idiotic fan shouting about the brilliance of DOCTOR WHO during Takei's speech at Archon a few years ago, but he also has been honest about the parts that don't make Paramount press releases.

Elsewhere, Marina Sirtis and Jonathan Frakes remarked on how poorly the first season of TNG was received, fans' resistance and honest criticism of the writing. We forgot, didn't we? We forgot that it wasn't always beloved.

A few prime moments:

• "I was asked in the first year, how does it feel to be stepping into the shoes of Captain Kirk? I had the presence of mind to say, 'Excuse me, but Captain Kirk is still filling his shoes very, very adequately... In three seasons, what Bill achieved, what he established with that character, I think, towers over everything else. Just remember that I said that, Bill, the next time we decide who's paying for dinner."
-- Patrick Stewart.

• "You're writing morality plays, and you put it in the 23rd century," Nichols said she told creator Gene Roddenberry. "And he sat back and he roared! And then he said, 'Shh! They haven't figured that out yet.' And I thought that was the most wonderful thing, because then I realized these were the adventures and stories he wanted to tell of the human condition."

• And then there was the humor: the actors griping about their costumes: "No pockets!" exclaimed Frakes, Armin Shimerman and Avery Brooks. Sirtis had some well-deserved gripes about her first-season "cosmic cheerleader outfit." I'm going to be hearing that in my head the next time I watch that episode. Frakes revealed the "Picard Maneuver," where they tugged their uniforms straight when they sat down.

Takei's pick for worst uniform: the monochrome Spandex suits of STAR TREK: THE MOTIONLESS PICTURE that apparently required a dresser to dismantle for the actors to go to the bathroom. He claims they refused to do another movie unless the uniforms were changed.

• Trivia Point: The Cardassians have funky shoulders because Marc Alaimo, who played the original Cardassian, had a long neck and the makeup director didn't know what else to do with it.

Those are pretty much the highlights. I got more fun trivia from Wikipedia - did you know that Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, LeVar Burton and Michael Dorn are in a band together called the Sunspots? - but if you're a props geek, knock yourself out.

Just brace yourself for utter silliness, and not in the fun way. When they move a ship model, the monkeys directing this schlock intercut turbulence shots from the series. Ha. Ha. That's funny?

And there's the requisite "let's make fun of the fans" bit seeking the weirdest and goofiest of them and intercutting "reaction" shots from the series. The disrespect just drives me mad, because after all these years, they still don't Get It. At least the producers of this documentary don't. STILL.

Take a line from Wil Wheaton: These worlds do not exist without fans. As Wheaton revealed, Jonathan Frakes bought his first house with the money he made at conventions. Paramount has made billions off the fans, and they deserve better than yet another mockumentary.

But the actors get it, at least, most of them do. "They come from all walks of life," Nichols said. "They're not some imbecilic people running around who need to get a life.* They are human beings of great quality." A gracious statement, which is immediately undercut by the directors by showing an amateurish masquerade act.

And thank God, Gene "Rod" Roddenberry, son of the Great Bird himself, gets it better than most: "You've got Star Trek fans that may dress up as Klingons and Vulcans and other weird things. But you've got football fans who paint their faces and they've got their hats with the two beers on it. They're wearing a costume."**

BEYOND THE FINAL FRONTIER manages to make the auction itself somewhat suspenseful. To my surprise, Stewart did not "nick" the flute from one of his most famous episodes, "The Inner Life." The flute, which went for $40,000, plays an integral part in the story and reappears a few times later in the series. Stewart then reveals that "it doesn't play. It's not a real flute." Heh.

The model for the original Enterprise is in the National Air and Space Museum (take that, snobs). None of the ship models went for less than six figures. Enterprise D, the most graceful, swanlike and aesthetically inspiring of the ship designs (in CultureGeek's opinion) went for $500,000. The auction broke records with more than $7 million, and clearly they had no idea what people would pay - Spock's silly headband from STAR TREK IV was estimated at $500 and went for $5,400.

The documentary tries to cast the sale as a good thing. The cast members themselves say they'd rather devoted fans own and care for these pieces of television history than see them thrown away, and I agree with them.

But I dare you to watch long-time Trek guru Mike Okuda uncrate the full-size model of Enterprise D and slap a price tag on it without your heart breaking. Almost as much as listening to Nichols and Takei reminisce about the late James Doohan and DeForest Kelley, gentlemen whose fire and grace gave us characters we remember forty years later.

Because, in essence, what this sale and poorly-directed documentary means is that this is over, the wonderful adventures and heroes of your childhood will never fly again. Even if J.J. Abrams is successful in his bid to start over with STAR TREK XI, the part we loved so much is over. Kobayashi Maru.

Except on DVDs. Available for $69.99 a season.

* Ouch. Shatner felt that one.
** My theater history professor had a marvelous theory comparing the body-painting, chanting football fans with arcane religious rites, but that's another column.

WebGeek: Is That a Horn on Your Head, or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

The above is the title of an essay I wrote years ago, after my first adult con experience. My father took me to a science fiction convention when I was fourteen years old, so you can blame him for much of what you endure today. But after my first adult con, I was hooked.

Wil Wheaton's "Geek in Review" column never ceases to be well-written, amusing and very, very true. Wheaton is a survivor of Hollywood in general and science fiction in particular, having had to endure the pains of adolescence as the focus of fandom rage in his teen role as Wesley Crusher on STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. (Don't call him a former actor. It will really annoy him. He's still working - in fact, he was on CSI last year.)

He's also very, very right in his analysis of cons past and present for this week.

He has rules for fans who stand in line forever to get an autograph (bathe), for the professional promoters who organize major cons of 25,000 to 100,000 (don't be a Ferengi), and for his fellow actors (don't be a... I'm not allowed to say).

Those of us on the con circuit have seen all of the above. The disgruntled fan who essentially pays a $50 entry fee (or more) in order to complain for three days. The super-chairman embued with a god complex. The big-shot celebrity who can't spare five seconds for a fan in an elevator, but can happily take his $20 for an 8-by-10 glossy.

Then there's a gem like this:

A woman walked up to my table and carefully set down a cast photo from season three. Everyone else had signed it, even Patrick (Stewart) and Brent (Spiner), who are incredibly difficult signatures to get.

"You're the last one," she said, eyes gleaming. "I've been carrying this around for ten years to all these conventions, and I can't believe I'm going to finally finish it!"

I signed it as carefully as I've ever signed anything, and when I finished, I looked up at her. Tears fell from her eyes.

"Thank you so much!" She said.

"Thank you," I said, "I'm honored that I got to be part of this moment."

It wasn't about the autograph, really. That 8x10, covered with eight different signatures in black and silver and gold ink represented a journey for her. I don't know what happened on the journey, but I was there for the end of it, and it was awesome.

That's why Wheaton is a class act, and a really good writer, able to put us all in that moment. You may not be able to identify with the woman who sought a dozen signatures for ten years, but I'd wager there's something in your life about which you are as passionate as that woman, and you'd be just as dedicated in your pursuit of it.

Someday I may post my essay about that con, before it became work. Or maybe I'll read more of Wheaton's musings on the subject, so it won't BE work for me anymore.