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TVGeek: Fall Preview Thursday!

I hate the CW. I hate the CW. I hate the CW.

Why? Because instead of SUPERNATURAL tonight, we get an encore presentation of the REAPER premiere. Maybe it'll seem funnier the second time. Or not.

Returning tonight:

• SMALLVILLE (7 p.m. CST on CW). Clark's cousin shows up, and she's a peach. Kara, better known to you as Supergirl, shows up in Smallville to help protect baby Clarky. Only, er, she's about twenty years late. Kara could be a kick-butt heroine... but since her primary function is to be amazed at American culture, fashion and iPods, I'm betting on a Barbie doll waltzing around Smallville. Please, Gough-Millar, surprise me!

Premiering Tonight:

• BIG SHOTS (9 p.m. CST on ABC). Colossal male egos with wallets to match collide. Starring Dylan McDermott, Joshua Malina, Christopher Titus and Michael Vartan. Yawn.

Also returning tonight:

• SURVIVOR: CHINA, 7 p.m. CST on CBS
• UGLY BETTY, 7 p.m. CST on ABC (one hour)
• MY NAME IS EARL, 7 p.m. CST on NBC (one hour)
• ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5th GRADER, 7 p.m. CST on Fox
• CSI: ORIGINAL FLAVOR, 8 P.M. CST on CBS
• THE OFFICE, 8 p.m. CST on NBC (one hour)
• GREY'S ANATOMY, 8 p.m. CST on ABC. (Yeah, some of you probably care.)
• DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS, 8 p.m. CST on Fox
• ER, 9 p.m. CST on NBC. (Perennial winner of the ER Memorial "That's Still On?" award.)
• WITHOUT A TRACE, 9 p.m. CST on CBS

TVGeek: Fall Preview Wednesday!

Here it is! Oh please, if the TV Gods be pleased, don't let her stink.

• BIONIC WOMAN (8 p.m. CST on NBC). I've declared this my best hope for this season. I sure hope I'm right. Michelle Ryan leads as a woman brought back from the brink of death by cybernetic implants, which give her some extra abilities. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA's Katee Sackhoff (yay!) is her cyber-nemesis and Miguel Ferrer is the director of the cybernetic program.

In a season high on science fiction and low on strong women, Ryan glaring into the screen is truly a force to be reckoned with. I really hope I'm right.

• LIFE (9 p.m. CST on NBC). Damian Lewis plays a detective who served 12 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit, and is now being released on DNA evidence. He has a misfit hottie partner and feels lost in the digital age as he searches for the people who took away his freedom. Adam Arkin co-stars.

Also returning, as if we care:

• CRIMINAL MINDS, 8 p.m. CST on CBS
• PRIVATE PRACTICE, 8 p.m. CST on ABC
• DIRTY SEXY MONEY, 9 p.m. CST on ABC
• CSI: NY, 9 p.m. CST on CBS

BACK TO YOU gets its round two tonight at 7 p.m., by the way. Given what else they're giving us this week, it's looking better, eh?

TVGeek: REAPER and CHUCK

Why review these two together? Because they're very much alike. Except one is good and one is not. And you're all going to disagree with me as to which is which.

In both shows, we have an ordinary schlub put in an extraordinary position. REAPER's Sam is a slacker of the first order, living with Mom and Dad at age 21 and working in a fictionalized Home Depot. CHUCK is a little less of a slacker, living with his hottie sister and working in a fictionalized Best Buy as one of the Nerd Herd (i.e. Geek Squad).

Sam discovers that his parents sold his soul to Satan before his birth. Oops. Satan wants him to go about the world catching escaped denizens and returning them to Hell.

Chuck gets an email that downloads massive government files subliminally into his brain, and now he gets flashes of insight that turn out to be real government secrets. Now agents from the CIA and NSA (Satan's counterpart?) want him to go about helping them stop badness from happening.

Each has a best friend even more socially inept than he is. Each has a hot ex-girlfriend and a new uber-hot love interest. See where I'm going with this?

Here's where they diverge: I actually enjoyed CHUCK. Halfway through REAPER I was checking my watch.

REAPER's pilot was directed by Kevin Smith, which explains the whole "slackers save the world" vibe I was getting. It was like Jay and Silent Bob, only without Silent Bob standing there being cool. By the time a pack of dogs were chasing Sam through the Pseudo-Depot, CultureGeek Jr. was asking, "Is this a real superhero or is it silly?" A second later, the obnoxious loser friend chases the dogs away with a leaf-blower, and CultureGeek Jr. said, "Yup, it's silly."

Too silly for an eight-year-old, folks. He didn't laugh. Neither did I. Ray Wise as the devil was a bit of fun, but not nearly as fun as, say, Al Pacino hamming it up in THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE or even Elizabeth Hurley tormenting Brendan Fraser in BEDAZZLED. The theological implications are annoying, but most people don't watch TV for theology, thank God. But when Satan is the guy providing you with reassuring self-improvement, it makes you wonder.

While a good premise – which I hear BRIMSTONE did much better - this smacks of CLERKS trying to save the world with the devil. That might have been more fun than this.

Meanwhile, CHUCK won my love right away for having a Zork reference in a major network television show. What do you mean, you've never heard of Zork? I command you immediately to travel back to 1980 and do battle with the Thief of the Great Underground Empire and the Wizard of Frobozz.

Directed by McG (of SUPERNATURAL fame) and co-starring Tony Todd and Adam Baldwin, this one won coolness points right off the bat. Then promptly lost them for annoying gratuitous shots of the uber-hot blonde spy in her underwear.

Both shows have excessive doses of The Pretty, for that matter. The guys are "dorky" in that Hollywood way: take a perfectly good-looking fellow, muss up his hair and make his shirt hang out. Instant geek, right? The female version is the girl with her hair in a braid and big ugly glasses, but she takes them off and unbinds her hair and va-va-voom! Sigh.

Chuck's "handler" (make your own jokes) is the aforementioned uber-hot blonde, and the guy handler is FIREFLY alum Adam Baldwin. The premise is even thinner than REAPER, but I found myself enjoying it much more despite the predictability and plot holes. With the exception of the ninja scene, it avoided the "ludicrous" vibe of REAPER, and Chuck is simply a more natural character with wry consternation. His best friend isn't nearly as annoying, either.

CHUCK ambles along through its laughs and shenanigans. REAPER reaches down your throat and tries to wrest the laughs out of you. Guess which one is more effective?

Everywhere I see praise for REAPER and nothing much for CHUCK. But the latter got added to my Tivo list. At least for now.

TVGeek: Fall Preview Tuesday!

Here goes, folks. Jimmy Smits vs. SVU and the CW vs. House. And NBC inexplicably hands two of its three prime-time hours over to THE BIGGEST LOSER. Make your own jokes.

Premiering Tonight:

• REAPER (8 p.m. CST on CW). An ordinary slacker discovers his folks sold his soul to Satan. That's a pair that won't be getting anything for Mother's and Father's Day. Satan is, of course, a charismatic fellow in a bad suit, and the slacker has to go chase down escaped demons. Wait, I've heard this before, only it was called BRIMSTONE. Eh, I'm gonna try it anyway.

• CANE (9 p.m. CST on CBS). The big hope for the geriatric network, Jimmy Smits leads a DALLAS-type soap with a Latino twist, only it's sugar instead of oil. Promos have failed in interest me.

Returning Tonight:

• BONES (7 p.m. CST on Fox). With the wedding-that-wasn't last season, we didn't have a whole lotta cliffhanger. Still, it's good to know Bones and Booth will be back to bickering. (Hey, alliteration's hard.) Let's lay bets on how long it takes Bones' dad to escape, shall we?

• HOUSE (8 p.m. CST on Fox). His Royal Crankiness is back, firing his assistants and solving bizarre illnesses just in the nick of time. Enjoy yourselves.

• BOSTON LEGAL (9 p.m. CST on ABC). The show that inexplicably keeps winning Emmys returns for more harrassment and William Shatner crazy.

• LAW & ORDER: SVU (9 p.m. CST on NBC). More pervs, more angst and please, can we have more Munch? I'm asking nicely.

Also returning, as if we care:

• NCIS, 7 p.m. on CBS
• DANCING WITH THE STARS, 8 p.m. on ABC
• THE UNIT, 8 p.m. on CBS
• THE SINGING BEE, 8:30 p.m. on NBC

TVGeek: HEROES

HEROES: "Four Months Later"

I'm gonna get it on the nose for this, but I don't think I've ever been so disappointed in a season premiere of a show I really like.

The Film Professor gave the premiere about ten minutes before he switched to my Tivoed copy of BACK TO YOU. "Bored to tears" were his exact words. I thought, "Well, he didn't see the last season." Then I watched it.

Where is the excitement? The interesting characters? In fact, where were half the characters? Niki et al were completely missing. Apparently, in four months our cast of not-dying Heroes have gone on to lives that are completely dull and "normal." Wow, that's exciting television.

Alas, one thing we haven't managed to misplace over the summer is the Voiceover of Doom. Mohinder, you'll never be my TV boyfriend as long as you put us to sleep with the opening narration.

By the way, the Hey It's That Guy who offers Mohinder a job is Stephen Tobolowsky. You know him best as Ned Ryerson, the Most Annoying Insurance Salesman in Movie History, who plagues Bill Murray throughout GROUNDHOG DAY, but has actually appeared in more than 100 movies.

A bit of trivia: Tobolowsky is actually not a nebbish in real life at all, though he's made an extensive career of playing them, from the nebbish engineer duped in SNEAKERS to Ned Ryerson to the near-rapist sleazy nebbish in SINGLE WHITE FEMALE. He is married, father of two and an accomplished classical pianist. I know this because he and my mother performed at Carnegie Hall together several years ago. This biographical pause brought to you by Useless Information Inc.

On to my awards for the season premiere. Warning! Spoilers ahoy:

Best Reintroduction: NONE. All were predictable or at least not terribly surprising. Especially since from the moment they said Peter was missing, I knew he'd show up in the last shot. Quite a disappointment. P.S. Amnesia? Tell me that was the Haitian's doing, or I'll be really annoyed.

Worst Reintroduction: Officer Matt, my TV boyfriend, who tries really bad touchy-feely psychology to end a hostage situation in training. Glad to see he managed to survive four shots to the chest (from his own gun, while off-duty, and nobody figured that out?). But... better writing, people. Even if he and Mohinder are raising Molly together. Aw.

Best New Character(s): Maya and Alejandro, the Latino brother and sister trying to get to America. I don't know why I like them, but I do. It's not their writing, which is pretty boring. Perhaps it's because Maya's power is the only creepy thing to happen in a show that was high on the creep factor.

Worst New Character(s): Mr. Bennet's new boss, who is practically a stereotype from OFFICE SPACE or the fast-food episode of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. You can just see Mr. Bennet considering snapping his neck in six inventive ways. WHile that's amusing, the guy himself is just too much of a caricature.

Runner-up: Replacement BFF for Claire, who might as well be a carbon copy of Gay-Not-Gay BFF whose U-turn storyline infuriated me in ways I can't even describe. This guy loses the sexual confusion and adds stupid teen philosophy better suited to an Afterschool Special. Extra credit for creative stalking saves him from being the worst of the worst.

Most Incomprehensible Character Change: Exactly how is Nathan a scruffy drunk instead of a U.S. Congressman? (Make your own jokes, I'm busy here.) Since no one saw the Exploding Man Trick except Our Heroes, did he misplace his Congresssional ring or something? And exactly how does he NOT know what happened to Peter? Because they were kind of together during the whole Exploding thing.

Runner-up: The Bennet family. They manage to be in a lovely big house just like their old one, even though they're in hiding and Mr. Bennet is working at a knockoff Kinko's and Mrs. Bennet appears to be incapable of doing anything that doesn't involve that mangy mutt, and we endured an excruciating six minutes or so of "look how boringly normal we are now!"

I'd rather have seen them REALLY in hiding, the four of them crammed in a New York tenement, and each of them trying to find different ways to support the family without catching the eye of the Company, or perhaps Claire running away to save her family from being hunted down because of her, or... y'know, anything different.

Best Twist: Mohinder and Mr. Bennet in cahoots to bring down the Company.

Worst Disappointment: Hiro in ancient Japan, with a loser gaijin Kensei, which means Hiro will become his own Hero, and zzzz sorry, I fell asleep. Wow, what a let-down. The ten-second promo for BIONIC WOMAN was more interesting.

Most Pointless Promo: Nissan bought us the last ten minutes of HEROES without commercials! Wow! A whole ten minutes! Buy us half the show, and we'll be impressed. Otherwise, shaddup.

Worst News of Survival: Bad enough that exactly NOBODY died in the finale, not even Sylar. (Oh c'mon, we all know it.) Bad enough that they killed Sulu, though at least it saved him from any more boring dialogue. No, the worst is yet to come.

Because the evil Mr. Muggles survives.

TVGeek: Fall Preview Monday!

This week is where the rubber meets the road, ladies and gents. I'm gonna make it simple for you: Just tape NBC from 7 to 10 p.m.

On with tonight's TV premieres:

• CHUCK (7 p.m. CST on NBC): Meet Chuck, the original geek, who does computer tech support while going to college. He has a best friend and a sister who's a doctor. I'm sure that will come in handy. Chuck gets an email from a friend who works for the CIA (go with it) and it immediately downloads incredibly sensitive info into Chuck's brain. Now the NSA and CIA must work together (aha! it IS science fiction!) to protect Chuck and follow the subliminal messages in his mind to save the country from evil terrorists. Or something. Starring Zachary Levi as Chuck, also has Adam Baldwin as one of the secret agent types.

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: It's Jake 3.0! Or perhaps a discarded episode of THE X-FILES. Either way, I'm screaming for some good science fiction this year, so I'd give Chucky a shot. But only one.

• BIG BANG THEORY (7:30 p.m. CST on CBS): Two nerds live with a brainless bombshell. Wackiness undoubtedly ensues.

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: Um, no.

• SAMANTHA WHO? (8:30 p.m. CST on ABC): Christina Applegate awakens from an eight-day coma with no memories of her life. That turns out to be a blessing, as it seems she wasn't that nice a young lady. Now she's making amends. Co-stars include TREK alum Tim Russ.

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: It's up opposite HEROES. I might have given it a shot if not for that.

• JOURNEYMAN (9 p.m. CST on NBC): A man suddenly begins hopping through time, trying to help people and change their lives. In the pilot, however, he bumps into his fiancee, who died in a plane crash. In the original history, he went on to marry someone else and have a happy life. Can he change his own future, and should he?

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: It's the return of Quantum Leap! And I'd be sneering, except that was a fantastic show and died too soon. This show has the best lead-in in history, so it has no excuse if it bombs.

Also returning tonight...

• HEROES (8 p.m. CST on NBC): The juggernaut of last year's television is back, and we'll figure out whether the brothers died (not), whether Sylar died (not), and what the heck Hiro is doing in the ancient past, right? Right? Sigh.

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: Well DUH. This is where I say farewell to K-VILLE, because although it was interesting last week, my Tivo only records one show at a time. Here's hoping K-VILLE gets a new time slot but quick.

Also returning, as if we care...

• DANCING WITH THE STARS, 7 p.m. CST on ABC
• HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, 7 p.m. CST on CBS
• TWO AND A HALF MEN, 8 p.m. CST on CBS
• RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, 8:30 p.m. CST on CBS
• THE BACHELOR, 9 p.m. CST on ABC
• CSI: MIAMI, 9 p.m. CST on CBS

TVGeek: JERICHO

It's bad form to retract previous reviews. But I am forced to admit that I gave up on JERICHO far too soon.

I watched the first few episodes of this show, long enough to watch the world blow up and a bunch of interchangeable Kansans whinge about it. Then ooh shiny, I drifted away. I was less than surprised to hear the show got the axe.

But then, as we all know, the legume saved the show. Fans mailed peanuts to the network en masse, and they changed their minds. More on that in a minute.

CBS then did something that smacks of intelligent programming in a major network, which in itself was shocking. They aired the one-hour recap show that showed us everything that happened in the first (and apparently sucky) half of the season. Then they aired the rest of the shows throughout the summer. There was nothing else on.

I got hooked.

The rising tension between Jericho and New Bern, writing becoming sharp and fun, Jake (Skeet Ulrich) stepping up to be a real, nuanced character, Mayor Dad (tm TWoP) stealing our hearts with growly authority. Best of all, Hawkins (Lennie James) is a capable, no-nonsense one-man army who redefines the term AWESOME, even if he is a little morally ambiguous.

The end of the world has always had a fascination for me, and for quite a few, if the crowds in the "Apocalypse Rising" track at Dragoncon are any indication. The "fun" part of the apocalypse has always been the loss of all the nonsense - no more credit card bills, no more student loans, and forgive me, no more reality TV. No one in Jericho is worried about the mortgage. It's food, water, weapons. There's something simple and primal about the post-apocalypse, and JERICHO captured that well.

As Mayor Dad said in the finale, "I'm about to go to war with New Bern, Kansas, home of the nearest Costco. Today is about as weird as I want to get."

I can see how the fans went nuts, pardon the expression, when JERICHO was canceled. In the final episode, there is a flashback anecdote referring to a World War II soldier telling off an offer of surrender by stating, "Nuts." Of course, that's Jake's response to the army of New Bern. And that's why they all mailed peanuts to CBS.

The phoenix-like rise of JERICHO from its own ashes - twice - is inspiring to those of us who have mourned shows dead before their time: VERONICA MARS, NOTHING SACRED, ANGEL, ROSWELL, EVERWOOD, and of course FIREFLY, the patron saint of shows that shouldn't have been killed. But actually seeing the episodes shows me that JERICHO deserved its special treatment.

JERICHO will return for an eight-episode midseason replacement. I imagine its future, if any, will depend entirely on the numbers for those episodes. I'm setting my Tivo.

TVGeek: Fall Preview Thursday!

Sorry, guys the only thing returning tonight is SURVIVOR: CHINA, which begins tonight at 7 p.m. on CBS.

There are a few shows that have been running for a few weeks: ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5th GRADER (7 p.m. Fox), DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS (8 p.m. Fox) and IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA (9 p.m. FX).

I'm reluctantly used to the fact that reality TV has taken over the tube. But if SURVIVOR is the sole new show tonight, I'll be sticking to my Tivo.

TVGeek: BACK TO YOU

I haven't watched a sitcom in years. Watching BACK TO YOU wasn't so much a change of heart as the thin, faint hope that there might be a good TV show about journalists. Since Aaron Sorkin isn't taking my calls on my Washington Post idea, I'm stuck with BACK TO YOU.

It's a show that should be very good. It's got two sitcom vets and a premise that works: a big-time L.A. anchorman gets sent back down to the minors, to the Pittsburgh station he left ten years before.

Why isn't BACK TO YOU really good? I thought it would be "journalists are evil," the theme I've seen throughout Hollywood in recent years. Instead, it's the traditional sitcom trap: Stereotypes 101.

The news director is from the online department, so of course he has no social skills whatsoever and laughs like a hyena. The sports guy is a sexist, obnoxious rat, and the fact that his patently offensive jokes get the laugh track makes me despair. There's a Latina weather reporter who is highly oversexed, a caricature of a human being. The news reporter is almost as obnoxious as the sports guy, but in snide arrogance instead of sexism. It's hard to say which stereotype is the most offensive.

My pick? The weather reporter. If she were a man, the character wouldn't even have made it past the censors, she's so far over the top as the crew's sex kitten. The "jokes" center not only on her overblown, obvious sexuality but on her ethnicity. News flash to Fox: Racial stereotypes stopped being funny when blackface went out of style. I felt like pressing mute whenever the laugh track swelled at yet another gibe at her allegedly Hispanic mispronunciation or blatant attempts at seduction of any random passing man.

Speaking of the laugh track, it's obnoxiously overdone. They can tone it way back and make me happy, but then, I liked MASH best when it had no laugh track. I know when to laugh myself.

The writing is thin, but occasionally funny. One can see the gags coming far away, but Grammer can pull them off like the pro he is. That's the frustrating part: you can see glimpses of a good show in between the detritus.

Unfortunately, in the category of Stereotypes 101, Grammer's character is the typical arrogant and oblivious anchorman. He lost an L.A. anchor job by losing it onscreen, which is pretty much impossible since he would have had a bug in his ear and the news director wouldn't have waited more than, oh, half a second to shout SHUT UP! He has learned no humility from his experience. Is that his character arc? It could be fun. Or it could be quickly tedious.

Patricia Heaton might be the show's saving grace, since she's the only intelligent human being pretending to be a journalist. I was never a fan of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, but it's clear she's playing the same mom role here: the sane, balanced one in a crew of nutbars. She's the only real person here, and the twist with her character actually works.

Runner-up is the kid, who's smart and funny in a non-annoying way. And her appearance makes for the only real moment in the show. It's the moment where I think Grammer's character might actually be fun to watch instead of a target for my Tivo zapper.

Best line, after the news director asks the (apparently sole) reporter where he's going: "To do the live shot at the courthouse, even though nobody's at the courthouse, but it adds action and urgency for me to stand out in the cold in front of a dark, empty building."

Okay, that was funny. Outright laughter, maybe because I know the business and that's really true. Unfortunately, it's ruined by a cheap sight gag later of the weather blowing the reporter away. Subtlety, thy name is Fox.

Those of us pinning thin hopes that this could be another MURPHY BROWN are disappointed. And LOU GRANT is long passed into history. I might give them another week or two to see if the writing evens out, because Heaton and the kid seem worth my time. But the weather reporter alone could make me change the channel.

TVGeek: Fall Preview Wednesday!

Premiering tonight: BACK TO YOU (7 p.m. CST Fox)

Can Kelsey Grammer, veteran of CHEERS and FRASIER, reinvigorate the dying art of the sitcom with Patricia Heaton at his side? The comedy vets play feuding TV news anchors. I may give this a try if only to spur me toward another "how the press are villified on television," but I warn you: I may not last past the first dozen egregious errors. C'mon, when was the last time reporters were portrayed realistically and intelligently on television?

(Whenever I grind out that question, The Film Professor replies with LOU GRANT. I maintain that any series that ended production before my age was in double digits should not count anymore.)

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: I'm going to try it on behalf of my profession. Stay tuned for tomorrow's rant.

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Premiering tonight: KID NATION (7 p.m. CST CBS)

Is it SURVIVOR or a televised LORD OF THE FLIES? I guess viewers will find out as a group of underage Robinson Crusoes build their own community without help from the outside world. We'll just take the networks at their word that these CHILDREN were not harmed, physically or psychologically, for the entertainment of the masses. Reality TV strikes again.

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: Pass. I'm allergic to reality TV anyway, and the concept concerns me as a parent.

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Premiering tonight: GOSSIP GIRL (8 p.m. CST CW)

You know CW's hit rock bottom when they cancel a brilliant show like VERONICA MARS in favor of a young-adult book series about uber-rich Upper East Side socialite teens indulging in sex, drugs and drama in between shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue and the latest parentless party. Kristen Bell as the unknown narrator writing a blog about these meaningless Barbie dolls is not enough to interest me.

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: Rent CRUEL INTENTIONS instead.

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Premiering tonight: KITCHEN NIGHTMARES (8 p.m. CST Fox)

Reality TV as a chef attempts to save flailing restaurants. Based on a British show of the same zzzzz...

CULTUREGEEK SAYS: CultureGeek fell asleep reading the description. Pass.

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Also returning tonight:

AMERICA'S TOP MODEL (7 p.m. CST CW)

'TIL DEATH ( 7:30 p.m. CST Fox)

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Still to come: PUSHING DAISIES, CSI and a few other shows you've actually heard of. Ah, the smell of fall premieres in the wind...