CultureGeek

ComicGeek: President Colbert

There is more to life than the Colbert Report, but you'd never know it from CultureGeek's Tivo. How can I possibly write another tedious review of cop-show reruns when Joe "Marvel" Quesada is visiting Colbert?

A little background: When Captain America died, Colbert ran a hilarious version of "The Word" about justice in comic-land. Catching Quesada's eye, the head of Marvel Comics presented Colbert with the shield of Captain America, supposedly due to Cap's will. The shield now hangs on the wall of Colbert's studio.

Now, of course, there is a new Captain America (Bucky Barnes) making his debut in this week's CAPTAIN AMERICA. Quesada himself came to the show to break the news to Colbert that he would not be the new superhero. Colbert, that is, not Quesada. Colbert was devastated as only the sillyman can be, and Quesada consoled him.

QUESADA: But you can keep the shield! You can. Steve did bequeath that to you. And besides, you've got your presidential campaign, right?
AUDIENCE: *groans*
COLBERT: But my presidential campaign is over! They knocked me off the ballot!
QUESADA: Not in the Marvel universe. You're still running for president in the Marvel universe.
COLBERT: What?
QUESADA: You're one of our candidates.
COLBERT: In the Marvel universe, I'm still a presidential candidate?
AUDIENCE: *cheers*

Potential running mates were discussed: Iron Man, the Hulk (Colbert Smash!), Quesada himself. Who, I might add, was seen wearing a Wrist Strong band.

QUESADA: It writes itself!
COLBERT: It better write itself, cause I don't have any writers.
QUESADA: I've noticed.

Stay tuned! Stephen Colbert as president, and not even in Bizarro World?* Hey, he can't do worse than President Lex Luthor.

* Yes, I know Bizarro was DC, not Marvel. Shush.

MovieGeek: Oscar, here we come

I love February, and not just because it's sweeps month and all the networks will give their very best efforts to bamboozle the advertisers with high ratings.

February is the month leading up to the Oscars, and Turner Classic Movies never fails me. "31 Days of Oscar" begins this Friday, and you can catch up on your movie-fu!

Here's just a sampling from this coming weekend, all on TCM:

7 p.m. Friday - JAWS
11:14 p.m. Friday - NETWORK

1:30 a.m. Saturday - FIVE EASY PIECES
6:15 a.m. - 2010
8:15 a.m. - FORBIDDEN PLANET
10 a.m. - THEM!
11:45 a.m. - THE TIME MACHINE (the George Pal version)
1:30 p.m. - THE BLACK HOLE
3:15 p.m. - 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA
5:30 p.m. - WAR OF THE WORLDS
7 p.m. - GANDHI

1:15 p.m. Sunday - SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS
5 p.m. - AN AMERICAN IN PARIS
7 p.m. - SENSE AND SENSIBILITY
9:30 p.m. - QUIZ SHOW

I'd like to note how TCM has honored me with a wonderful lineup of cheesy science-fiction goodness on Saturday. FORBIDDEN PLANET! THE TIME MACHINE! I haven't seen THE BLACK HOLE in decades, and Kirk Douglas singing on the deck of the Nautilus is cheese that cannot be missed.

Yup. I love February. Look for roundups of TCM recommendations all month long!

Heath Ledger Remembered

And the last you'll hear about Mr. Ledger, until there's actually something to report.

The Class Award, offered with no sarcasm whatsoever, goes to Warner Brothers. When you go to the web site for THE DARK KNIGHT and click through, you will see a memorial page for Heath Ledger.

"We mourn the loss of a remarkable talent gone too soon, and the passing of an extraordinary man who will be greatly missed," it reads.

And that's it. Nothing else about the movie. All the pre-movie hype is, for the moment, on hold. Bravo, boys. That is class.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have John Gibson of Fox News Radio, who actually made jokes all through his broadcast the other day. He replayed a clip of Ledger's famous "I wish I knew how to quit you" speech, and quipped, "Well, he found out how to quit you." He found a clip of Ledger saying the line, "We're dead," and played it over and over. He referred to Ledger as a "weirdo."

He apologized the next day, so I guess that makes it all right. He also said he didn't mean to sound "anti-gay and insensitive," and said he didn't see why he should pass up "a good joke." Gee, why would we think that?

Keith Olbermann of MSNBC named Gibson that day's "Worst Person in the World."

We expect this kind of stomach-churning disgust from The Westboro Baptist Church, which intends to picket Ledger's funeral because they have nothing better to do with their time. Sorry, no link, their very WEBSITE TITLE is a slur I cannot and will not use.

I just wonder - are they going to hop a plane to Australia? Because that's where he's going to be buried. Since the Australian prime minister has personally expressed his condolences, I wonder if they'll have a little trouble at the airport? Eh, they'll probably just picket the Hollywood memorial service. Jake Gyllenhaal (godfather to Ledger's daughter) and Christian Bale might have a few fists for them. Those guys work out.

The facts change by the hour and the entertainment press continues to spin its theories, but here at CultureGeek, we're just going to sit back and wait for whatever the final answer is. Or perhaps there will not be one. That, too, is sometimes the legacy of untimely death - no answers.

But a little dignity is not too much to hope for.

TVGeek: Wrist Watch

Folks, I think I have found another reason to be in love with Stephen Colbert.

Colbert, as you should know if you haven't been living under a rock for the past five years, plays a bullheaded uber-conservative moron on his show, a spinoff from THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART. Colbert's fictional self coined the Merriam-Webster word of the year a few years ago: truthiness, meaning something that isn't true, but sounds so true it must be! (Follow that.)

He became even more famous when he announced his 2008 bid for the presidency, intending to run on both tickets to cover all his bases. Then he decided to run on the Democratic ticket because it would cost $35,000 to file in South Carolina for the Republican ticket. However, the Democratic party of South Carolina (his home state) has no sense of humor, and voted not to accept his bid.

While Jon Stewart seems to be suffering a bit without his writers, Colbert is riffing well every evening. From the roulette wheel of primary predictions to nearly losing character when Andrew Young told him the other night, "Son, you need writers," (followed by a hilarious rendition of "Let My People Go," backed up by Young and the Harlem Gospel Choir), Colbert has been killing me nightly.

But set all that aside. Because apparently there's been something going on I missed, in the months I stopped watching the show last year due to Tivo overflow and a whole lotta HOMICIDE reruns. That something is Wrist Watch.

Colbert slipped and fell while goofing around on his set last year and broke his wrist. Ordinarily, it would simply be a brief in the celebrity news, right? But Colbert knows how to find comedy in anything, even his own klutziness.

He immediately began a "campaign on wrist violence," selling those plastic "awareness" bracelets with "Wriststrong" imprinted on them and trying to convince famous people to wear them.

(Brian Williams, Matt Lauer, etc. followed through, but apparently Katie Couric reneged and Bill O'Reilly outright refused.)

I had read somewhere that his cast was auctioned on eBay for $17,000. Pricey for a used medical aid? Perhaps. But consider this particular cast was signed by Michael Bloomberg, Katie Couric, Bill O'Reilly, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Russert, Brian Williams and former White House press secretary Tony Snow. (I guess they couldn't get the president himself.)

At any rate, all of this silliness is just standard Colbert romping, right? Well, the money from the cast sale and the Wriststrong bands goes to the Yellow Ribbon Fund, which assists families of wounded soldiers. More than 30,000 sold so far, and last night they presented the biggest big-check I've ever seen in ten years of check passings: $171,525, all of it for one of the few charities everyone of any political stripe can support.

That, friends and neighbors, is worth noting, and applauding. A man trips on-camera and turns it into a massive charitable donation.

Which, of course, he tried to sign with a six-foot-long Bic.

Rage against the dying of the light.

Many have commented that the international mourning over Heath Ledger shows our celebrity-obsessed culture; after all, the stock market went on a rollercoaster, we saw new revelations about the build-up to the Iraq war, one of the Republican candidates for the presidency withdrew from the race (as did the governor of Missouri), the Fed lowered interest rates and one Marine was killed in Iraq. And then there were the Oscars.

But it does shock us when a young, talented person we all watched onscreen (and therefore thought we knew) dies unexpectedly, particularly one that wasn't part of the Celebrity Monster Mash, going on drug-crazed sprees before crashing into repeated cycles of rehab. Whatever demons Heath Ledger killed with pills, he killed them quietly, and alone.

This morning, I explained to CultureGeek Jr. that the guy he'd seen in a few movies and liked quite a bit had died. CultureGeek Jr. was on the fence about THE DARK KNIGHT, because it's about the Joker, and the Joker shades a bit too close to Evil Clown territory for a nine-year-old. But I knew he would hear about it at school, and best to get his questions answered by me, yes?

He was surprised - this was someone young, not an old person in a black-and-white movie, a concept alien to his young self. “Was he sick?” he asked. No, I told him. It was drugs. "Oh," he said, with the air of someone for whom it all makes a sad, sick sense. Drugs.

It occurred to me then that drug use is really the biggest thief of talent and beauty in our national culture, stealing so many brilliant artists from us before they even have a chance to complete their work. Only AIDS has come close to drugs for stealing away our artists, burning out their lights far too soon.

For me, as a young woman, the tragic loss was River Phoenix. He overdosed on heroin and cocaine, dying while his brother Joaquin performed CPR. When you watch Phoenix in STAND BY ME, you see the glimmers of a brilliant, sensitive young man who already had the nuances of his craft developed and growing. When he fades away from the screen in his final scene, it foreshadows his early death to a horrible degree. He, too, killed his demons quietly.

But every generation has their River Phoenix, their Heath Ledger or Janis Joplin or John Belushi... how long could the list be?

Nick Adams, age 36, 1968
Bridgette Andersen, age 21, 1997
John Belushi, age 33, 1982
Lenny Bruce, age 40, 1966
Truman Capote, age 59, 1984
Steve Clark of Def Leppard, age 30, 1991
Montgomery Clift, age 45, 1966
Dorothy Dandridge, age 42, 1965
Ted Demme, age 39, 2002
Bobby Driscoll, age 31, 1968
Kevin DuBrow of Quiet Riot, age 52, 2007
John Entwhistle of The Who, age 57, 2002
Chris Farley, age 33, 1997
Judy Garland, age 47, 1969
Paul Gonsalves, age 53, 1974
Bobby Hatfield of the Righteous Brothers, age 63, 2003
Margaux Hemingway, age 41, 1996
Jimi Hendrix, age 27, 1970
Shannon Hoon of Blind Melon, age 28, 1995
Rick James, age 56, 2004
Bela Lugosi, age 73, 1956
Frankie Lymon, age 25, 1968
Marilyn Monroe, age 36, 1962
Keith Moon of The Who, age 31, 1978
Jim Morrison, age 27, 1971
Ona Munson, age 51, 1955
Robert Pastorelli, age 40, 2004
Gram Parsons of The Byrds, age 23, 1973
Kristen Pfaff of Hole, age 27, 1994
River Phoenix, age 23, 1993
Dana Plato, age 34, 1999
Elvis Presley, age 42, 1977
Dee Dee Ramone of the Ramones, age 50, 2002
Glenn Quinn, age 32, 2002
Brad Renfro, age 25, 2008*
Gia Scala, age 28, 1972
Bobby Sheehan of Blues Traveler, age 31, 1999
Hillel Slovak of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, 26, 1988
Anna Nicole Smith, age 39, 2007
Layne Staley of Alice in Chains, age 34, 2002
Ike Turner, age 76, 2007
Sid Vicious, age 22, 1979
Hank Williams, age 29, 1953

It rather floors you, doesn't it?

As I wonder what performances Heath Ledger might have given as an older man, I wonder what music Jim Morrison would have given us if he had lived past the age of 27. What songs would have come from Dorothy Dandridge, or Hank Williams?

And then there are those whose deaths weren't precisely from drugs, but we can’t sanely say that drugs didn’t kill them - as it may turn out to be with Ledger, as the investigation continues. Kurt Cobain, who put a bullet in his head after years of struggling with drugs. As did Hugh O’Connor and Freddie Prinze. Jazz musician Charlie Parker, whose 34-year-old body was mistaken by the coroner to be that of a 60-year-old, thanks to years of drug and alcohol abuse. Christopher Penn, brother of Sean, who died of heart disease aggravated by years of drug abuse and alcoholism – just like Billie Holliday. The ones that booze killed, like John Bonham of Led Zeppelin, Bon Scott of AC/DC, Natalie Wood and dozens more.

The list could go on for far, far too long.

Ironically, the person I’m inclined to quote here is Courtney Love, whose comments are usually unquotable. During Kurt Cobain’s funeral, she broke down and began shouting at her dead husband for leaving her, for leaving their child and the fans. She encouraged the attendees to call him an epithet I can’t repeat here, and ended by imploring the Nirvana fans not to take Cobain’s advice in his suicide letter: “Better to burn out than fade away.”

Instead, I think of Dylan Thomas, and his famous poem: “Do not go gentle into that good night/Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

Such a wealth of art and music lost to us, most at such a young age they could not possibly have fulfilled the potential we saw in them. These people embodied the wondrous power of art to touch our lives, and yet could not face life on their own terms. What is it about art that burns them up? Why could they not rage against the dying of their own lights, snuffed by their own addictions?

It is not romantic. It is not a beautiful tragedy. It is a shameful loss, and one that must be remembered … so this list will stop growing.

* The cause of death has not been officially determined.

RIP: Heath Ledger

You've already seen it everywhere from CNN to Entertainment Weekly: Heath Ledger, a young man surely in line to get one of those gold statues someday, was found dead in a New York apartment.

Ledger, 28, had just finished filming THE DARK KNIGHT, where he apparently put in a top-caliber performance as Batman's great nemesis, the Joker. But before he donned the purple suit, Ledger had been an Oscar nominee for his work in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN and did a breakout performance opposite Mel Gibson in THE PATRIOT.

A police spokesman confirmed Ledger's death to CNN, and said that pills were found in the vicinity. But let's not jump to conclusions, folks - they'd find pills in my apartment, too. I'm a nut for Aleve. Still, the buzz on the 'net is already swinging toward "overdose," either intentional or accidental.

Ledger is originally from Australia, and has a young daughter with his BROKEBACK co-star and fiancee, Michelle Williams, though supposedly they had split a few months ago. His Wikipedia entry has already been frozen because of vandalism, proving that some people have zero taste whatsoever, and if you think I'm going to make a joke about that, you haven't been reading me long enough.

He's the son of a teacher and a mining engineer, descended from the Clan Campbell in Scotland. He had a few minor roles before starring in the teen comedy 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU. Together with his equally skilled costar, Julia Stiles, they elevated the latest in a string of late-90s Shakespearean "updates" into a truly enjoyable comedy. He did well in movies like THE PATRIOT and MONSTER'S BALL, then suffered a few setbacks with A KNIGHT'S TALE, THE ORDER and THE BROTHERS GRIMM.

He won the Golden Globe for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, and was nominated for the Oscar. After finishing THE DARK KNIGHT, he was working on THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS with Christopher Plummer. It is unknown how the movie will complete without him.

Rest in peace, Mr. Ledger. It is a true loss to the acting community. How horribly ironic will it be if your performance as the Joker, already rumored to be beyond brilliant, gains you the respect in death that sometimes eluded you in life?

EDIT: A previous version of this post incorrectly cited internet reports that Ledger died in an apartment belonging to Mary-Kate Olsen. Currently news reports state it was his own apartment. News on the fly, folks. My apologies.

MovieGeek: And the nominees are...

In all, what a asdfjkl; .....

Sorry, folks, I fell asleep on my keyboard. I meant to say, what an exciting slate of nominees! All in movies that most of us saw in the theater, and were spellbound in our seats!

Or, y'know, not.

I'd just like to say that Amy Adams was robbed, because any woman who can make a Disney Princess fun for adults deserves a little gold statue. At least she'll get to sing, with three songs from ENCHANTED nominated. Three! I haven't seen yet if that's an Oscar first. Heaven forfend Academy voters approve of something as un-hip as a Disney.... live-action... comedy! Noooooo! We're much too with-it for that.

EW thinks Sean Penn was robbed, not getting any nominations for his work in INTO THE WILD. Surprise that Angelina Jolie didn't get a nomination for A MIGHTY HEART, proving that not all publicity is good publicity.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN and THERE WILL BE BLOOD led with eight nominations each, even though die-hard Coen fans told me they didn't like this one as much as previous Coen Brothers fans. And yet it'll be my pick for best picture, because Oscar loves Coen. I, personally do not, and every time I say that, someone says, "But have you seen Fill-in-the-Blank?" Sure, because when I've hated the first two movies a director's done, the next thing I wanna do is run out and see two more by the same director! I therefore rely on their fans to tell me how good their latest offering is, and the buzz on this one was not so strong.

Though I haven't caught JUNO yet, it seems to have all the buzz. With extra credit to woman power, too, because three of the five best-screenplay nominees are women, an Oscar first. Plus Sarah Polley for best-adapted. See, we're up to the 20th century now!

Without further ado, here's the nominees! With my choices in italics!

Best Picture
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Oscar loves a newbie, and I just don't think this Coen Brothers offering will have enough love to carry it through. Wait, didn't I say just exactly the opposite a minute ago? I changed my mind. Shaddup.

Best Actor
George Clooney, MICHAEL CLAYTON
Daniel Day-Lewis, THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Johnny Depp, SWEENEY TODD
Tommy Lee Jones, IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH
Viggo Mortensen, EASTERN PROMISES
This way, Oscar gets to reward Depp for his strong work of the past several years without acknowledging that he soared on the wings of the Mouse. A best-actor nod for a Disney movie? Never! But he can slit some throats and we'll give him the statue!

Best Actress
Cate Blanchett, ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE
Julie Christie, AWAY FROM HER
Marion Cotillard, LA VIE EN ROSE
Laura Linney, THE SAVAGES
Ellen Page, JUNO
While Page has the buzz, Blanchett was robbed for her first turn as my favorite queen, so this will be an apology Oscar.

Best Supporting Actor
Casey Affleck, THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES*
Javier Bardem, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
Philip Seymour Hoffman, CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR
Hal Holbrook, INTO THE WILD
Tom Wilkinson, MICHAEL CLAYTON
It's not even a question. He's practically the only thing everyone praises about the movie.

Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, I'M NOT THERE
Ruby Dee, AMERICAN GANGSTER
Saoirse Ronan, ATONEMENT
Amy Ryan, GONE BABY GONE
Tilda Swinton, MICHAEL CLAYTON
I pretty much threw a dart, but I figure CLAYTON will get some love, seeing as it's highly nominated with little buzz.

Best Director
Paul Thomas Anderson, THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Joel and Ethan Coen, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
Tony Gilroy, MICHAEL CLAYTON
Jason Reitman, JUNO
Julian Schnabel, THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY
Generally best picture and best director go together, though not always. I figure JUNO's momentum will carry him through.

Best Original Screenplay
Brad Bird, RATATOUILLE
Diablo Cody, JUNO
Tony Gilroy, MICHAEL CLAYTON
Tamara Jenkins, THE SAVAGES
Nancy Oliver, LARS AND THE REAL GIRL
Even if I'm wrong about best picture, I'll be shocked if this doesn't happen. The screenplay is the best part of the buzz, or so I've heard.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Paul Thomas Anderson, THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Joel and Ethan Coen, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
Christopher Hampton, ATONEMENT
Ronald Harwood, THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY
Sarah Polley, AWAY FROM HER
Apology for not winning best picture. Sorry, Sarah. Next time.

Best Animated Feature
PERSEPOLIS
RATATOUILLE
SURF'S UP
No question. The others weren't even in the same ballpark.

Best Art Direction
AMERICAN GANGSTER
ATONEMENT
THE GOLDEN COMPASS
SWEENEY TODD
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
One thing you can always say about Tim Burton: he does weird well.

Best Cinematography
THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES*
ATONEMENT
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well, it's gotta win something.

Best Costume Design
ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
ATONEMENT
ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE
LA VIE EN ROSE
SWEENEY TODD
In costumes, beauty wins over weird any day.

Best Documentary
NO END IN SIGHT
OPERATION HOMECOMING: WRITING THE WARTIME EXPERIENCE
SICKO
TAXI TO THE DARK SIDE
WAR/DANCE
This was tough, because Hollywood likes to make a statement... but not as strong a statement as Michael Moore likes to make. I think he'll lose this round because of his antics when he won for FAHRENHEIT 9/11, not because SICKO was a lesser documentary.

Best Documentary Short
FREE HELD
LA CORONA
SALIM BABA
SARI'S MOTHER
This one was chosen by tossing my Hiker Smurf figurine in the air and seeing how he landed. I understand many Academy viewers vote the same way.

Best Editing
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY
INTO THE WILD
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
From what I hear, it was the rollercoaster ride we all wanted as we wait for Bond.

Best Foreign Film
BEAUFORT (Israel)
THE COUNTERFEITERS (Austria)
KATYN (Poland)
MONGOL (Kazakhstan)
12 (Russia)
Hiker Smurf liked it.

Best Makeup
LA VIE EN ROSE
NORBIT
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END
Three reasons: a) I actually saw it, b) it was good makeup, and c) NORBIT needs to get nowhere near the podium this year or any year, for the sake of western civilization.

Best Score
ATONEMENT
THE KITE RUNNER
MICHAEL CLAYTON
RATATOUILLE
3:10 TO YUMA
As fond as I am of Disney and Pixar, the music in RATATOUILLE was just not up to standards.

Best Original Song
"Falling Slowly," ONCE
"Happy Working Song," ENCHANTED
"Raise it Up," AUGUST RUSH
"So Close," ENCHANTED
"That's How You Know," ENCHANTED
Think the winner will be from ENCHANTED? That tell you anything, boys? She made you like musicals again! While "So Close" is supremely sappy and "Happy Working Song" is a good tune and you can dance to it, the one that sticks with everyone for weeks is "That's How You Know."

Best Sound Editing
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
RATATOUILLE
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
TRANSFORMERS
Hiker Smurf.

Best Sound Mixing
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
RATATOUILLE
3:10 TO YUMA
TRANSFORMERS
Hiker Smurf.

Best Visual Effects
THE GOLDEN COMPASS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END
TRANSFORMERS
I'm gonna go with the pirates here, because TRANSFORMERS was a stomp-the-world movie and Oscar tends to diss those, and the only part of GOLDEN COMPASS to get buzz was the polar-bear fight.

Best Animated Short
"I Met the Walrus"
"Madame Tutli Putli"
"Even Pigeons Go to Heaven"
"My Love"
"Peter and the Wolf"
Hiker Smurf.

Best Live-Action Short
"At Night"
"The Substitute"
"The Mozart of Pickpockets"
"Tanghi Argentini"
"The Tonto Woman"
Hey, I liked AMADEUS. That isn't a good enough reason?

Well, Hiker Smurf and I enjoyed this rundown, as if our opinions count. Join us on Feb. 24 as Hiker Smurf and I blog the Oscars semi-live and mock Jon Stewart! That's assuming they don't cancel the ceremony. Darn that strike!

* THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD. Which is a ridiculously long and cumbersome title, so I'm not typing it out each time.

MovieGeek: Cloverfield

Ever wonder what the giant monster looks like to the screaming extras running around its feet?

Now you get to find out. The idea behind CLOVERFIELD is so simple I'm surprised no one's really done it yet. Whenever we have a Giant Threat to All Mankind (Or At Least New York City)*, we get to watch from the point of view of the heroic soldiers, scientists and leaders working to stop the evil.

The normal humans, full of annoying self-involvement and selfish pursuits like "staying alive", are generally just extras hired to scream and die in a grotesque fashion. These days, they're likely to be nothing more than a batch of pixels, not even an extra hired for the day.

Instead, CLOVERFIELD shows us the Giant Threat to All Mankind (Or At Least New York City) from the point of view of the groundlings. Literally, since the entire movie is shot in YouTubeVision by a friendly yutz named Hud** who is tasked with filming during a party before the Giant Threat to All Mankind (Or At Least New York City) drops by.

You know, that takes a long time to type, so I'm tempted to steal shamelessly from author/blogger Cleolinda and call it Darwin, as it quite efficiently removed some very stupid people from the gene pool before they could procreate. But Darwin was prettier.

Still, I have to give the Giant Threat to All Mankind (Or At Least New York City) some credit. It effectively silenced one of the more obnoxious audiences I have had to deal with in these reviews. No group has been as awful as THE MIST's audience, laughing as children die. But this group was close, ranting at the screen and laughing with each other all through the opening - which did have a serious Attack of the Exposition Fairy. At least until Giant Threat to All Mankind (Or At Least New York City) showed up, and they were sufficiently cowed into silence.

Here's the thing: You're either going to love CLOVERFIELD or despise it. There is very little middle ground, much like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. In the theater, I stayed through the 12-minute credits and listened to the young people debate in the aisles. One young woman pointed at the screen excitedly and declared, "That was the best movie I ever saw!" Her friend, aghast, said, "That movie sucked!" All around me, similar debates took place. The one that amused me was a young person arguing, "But you don't find out what happened!"

Ah, yes. Must have everything tied up in a neat bow. Sorry, guys, that's exactly the sort of enigma I enjoy. In fact, now that I'm free to look up spoilers, I understand the viral marketing and "background" all over the internet... and I'm quite disappointed. Their "answers" are far less scary than the things I came up with in my head. I think I'll stick to the movie itself, and leave the marketing to those who thrive on such things.

I guess you can put me in the "love" category. Yes, the characters were primarily cutouts from horror-movie cliches, but that was part of it. These are the minor characters, the ones we never see or care about before... squish. This is our chance to join them, not the generals and presidents battling it out with the monster. The Giant Threat to All Mankind (Or At Least New York City) is scary enough, especially before we actually see it, but it's not really the point of the movie. Neither are its spider-critters, or the falling buildings. Nobody's trying to save the world here; just their own skins.

The exception to the cardboard-cutout is Michael Stahl-David as Rob. Ironically, he's our main character, because we are watching through Hud's eyes and Hud is Rob's loyal sidekick. Stahl-David carries the weight of the entire cast in acting, and does well. He's also the only character continuing to think during the disaster, even if his thoughts are bent on something impossible.

I have to give director Matt Reeves*** props for something else: 9-11 imagery that isn't offensive and is striking visually and emotionally. When the Giant Threat to All Mankind (Or At Least New York City) first appears, all we see is collapsing buildings, huge clouds of dust and fleeing New Yorkers. It has a very familiar, emotional impact on those of us who watched 9-11 in horror on our screens, and explains in part why the New York Times hated the movie.****

That, however, is all I'll give Reeves credit for. I loved the idea, the characters, the plot, the monster and the ending. And you couldn't get me back in that movie theater with a chainfall. Why?

I don't want to toss my cookies.

CLOVERFIELD was filmed entirely in shaky-cam, and of course I expected that, given the concept. But I wanted to tell Hud to hand the camera to someone who knows how to focus on a subject, or at least to clutch the lens to his chest while running. Repeatedly I had to close my eyes and just listen to the dialogue and sound effects, or look away from the screen to regain my balance. I have heard from many people that some viewers simply had to leave.

A movie should not require Dramamine to enjoy it. I think the same point of view and style could have been conveyed with about 30 percent less tilt-a-whirl, and far more effectively for audiences. Folks, I can ride the Batman and the Boss at Six Flags back-to-back and then grab myself a hot dog, but two-thirds of the way through this movie I wondered if I would have to dash to the ladies' room and throw up.

But mostly I wondered how much I would miss if I did.

CLOVERFIELD
Directed by Matt Reeves
Starring Michael Stahl-David and other people you've never heard of
CultureGeek: Recommends

FINAL NOTE: To the ushers at the Kerasotes Theater in Edwardsville - shaddup. I waited through twelve minutes of "ROAR!" (which is, I kid you not, the title of the monster overture and so insanely over-the-top I found myself glad there was no score to the movie) in order to hear the famous "whisper" at the end. And just when it came up, YOU TALKED. So loudly I couldn't hear it! I was tempted to pelt you with leftover Reese's Pieces. I had to go look it up. Turns out someone whispers, "It's still alive!" Of course it is. Otherwise, how could we have CLOVERFIELD 2?

* As blogger Gena Radcliffe points out, the next time a Giant Threat to All Mankind attacks Earth, can it pick someplace other than New York? "We could use a rest," she says.
** A sharp-eyed viewer points out that HUD stands for "head-up display" in first-person videogames and, surprisingly, in modern military aircraft, displaying stats and levels.
*** No, it was not directed by J.J. Abrams. He's in Starfleet now. Abrams produced, however, and conducted the insane viral marketing that I have thus far ignored.
**** The New York Times, having no sense of humor or the fantastic, would not have liked a Giant Threat to All Mankind (Or At Least New York City) anyway.

TVGeek: Happy Smurfday!

To me, Saturday mornings have never been the same since 1989. That's when the Smurfs went off the air, and though by age fourteen I wasn't watching them anymore, it was still the end of an era.

But the Smurfs really began in 1958, and that's why this whole year is going to be decidedly smurfy.

The Belgian cartoonist Peyo created the Smurfs as minor characters in his Middle-Ages comic series. They were insanely popular and soon got their own smurfy comic series. But in 1981, Hanna-Barbera inked a deal to bring the blue fellas to American TV.

The Smurfs mostly look alike, with cobalt-blue skin and white hats, tiny tails and usually no hair. Much has been made of the fact that there was only one female Smurfette, and she was a wussy girly-girl with blonde hair created to cause jealousy and stupidity among the all-male Smurfs. Whaddya want for the smurfy '80s?

My earliest exposure to zombie horror was the episode where the Smurfs were attacked by a strange malady, spread by biting, that turned them purple and evil. Originally they were to turn black, but it was thought that would be considered racist and decidedly unsmurfy. (No, ya think?)

The Smurfs won Emmys, made money and spawned regular TV specials, toys and merchandising. It is rerun throughout the world and the first season is out on DVD. The little toy Smurfs, of course, were legion. There may or may not be a Hiker Smurf on the shelf above my desk at home; you will never know.

Throughout the year, UNICEF will distribute toy Smurfs randomly in European cities. A traveling "Smurf Anniversary Exhibition" will be everywhere but here, and yes, someone is coming up with a CGI movie that will probably suck.

Therefore, 2008 is hereby declared the Year of the Smurf. Don't be surprised if I get a little smurfy from time to time. I grew up in the '80s, folks. La la la la la la, la la la la la.

WebGeek: The Ballad of Leonard Nimoy

There are times when I think YouTube may be the cruelest invention in history. Forget the rack, the iron maiden or Britney Spears' maternal statue: YouTube perpetuates moments that I'm sure the perpetrators would like to forget.

Case in point: "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins," in which Leonard Nimoy romps with the rejects from "Beach Blanket Bingo" to sing of the tales of our favorite hobbit. Just let that sink in for a moment.

Courtesy (sort of) of regular CultureGeek reader J.T., I give you the absolute height of geekiness:

After receiving this link, I declared that I might have found something too geeky to put on this blog. This might actually reach the limit of ultimate geekiness. But then J.T. reminded me that there are go-go dancers, and I think that kicked it over into a level of bizarre that must be shared with you, my kind and gentle readers.

The phrase "what were they SMOKING?" comes to mind. And if anyone can explain the giant buttons to me, I'd be ever so pleased.