CultureGeek

StrikeGeek: It's almost over!

All reports show that we're millimeters away from having the writers back to work. All together now: CHEER!

Looks like the writers won. Phased in on year three, they get 2 percent of ad revenue from streaming online television; .36 percent of the first 100,000 downloads of a TV show and the first 50,000 of a movie, which then upgrades to .7 percent and .65 percent; and best of all (to me), networks must consult the showrunner when the story is going to have a commercial tie-in.

For example? When Lois started driving that nifty new car on SMALLVILLE, and talked about what a nifty car it was? They have to ask the guys in charge of the show if it's okay to turn themselves into prostitutes before they actually put them on the street corner. I don't expect that means we'll see less egregious hawking of products on our shows, but maybe it won't be so ham-handed and obviously shoved into the story?

In the meantime, TV Guide dug up some scuttlebut on the shows. Who's coming back in for May sweeps? Who's still got shows in the can from before the strike? Who's vanishing until fall (or even next year?)

We all know a lot of shows that would have died fast and quiet are still around because the networks didn't want to kill anything leading into the strike. With writers coming back to work, which shows will now get a merciful beheading?

Just not BIONIC WOMAN. I beg you.

Here's a quick rundown, likely to change 39428 times before we're done:

RETURNING THIS SPRING:

30 ROCK: 5-10 episodes
BONES: Still has four pre-strike episodes
CRIMINAL MINDS: 4-7 new episodes
All three CSIs: 4-7 new episodes
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: 4-5 new episodes
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS: Still has 12 pre-strike episodes
GOSSIP GIRL: 9 new episodes
GREY'S ANATOMY: 4-5 new episodes
HOUSE: 4-6 new episodes
JERICHO: Returns with seven new episodes
LAS VEGAS: 3 pre-strike episodes remain
LOST: 6 pre-strike episodes remain; potential for six more
MEDIUM: 6 pre-strike episodes remain
MEN IN TREES: 11 pre-strike episodes remain
MY NAME IS EARL: 8-10 new episodes
NCIS: 5-7 new episodes
NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE: 7 pre-strike episodes remain
NUMB3RS: 5-7 new episodes
THE OFFICE: 5-10 new episodes
PRIVATE PRACTICE: 4-5 new episodes
SCRUBS: 4 pre-strike episodes remain; 4 more to be shot
SMALLVILLE: 4 pre-strike episodes remain; 3-5 more to be shot.
SUPERNATURAL: 2 pre-strike episodes remain; 3-5 more to be shot
TWO AND A HALF MEN: 5-7 new episodes
UGLY BETTY: 4-5 new episodes

TEMPORARY HIATUS - won't be back till fall:

24: Won't be back till fall or January 2009.
CHUCK *scream*
LIFE
MOONLIGHT (what, it's not canceled?)
PUSHING DAISIES

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON

HEROES
LAW & ORDER: SVU
SAMANTHA WHO?

THE ONES ON LIFE SUPPORT:

BACK TO YOU: 2 pre-strike episodes remain
BIONIC WOMAN: future looks murky
ER
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
LIFE IS WILD: future looks murky
OCTOBER ROAD: 5 pre-strike episodes remain
ONE TREE HILL: 6 pre-strike episodes remain
PRISON BREAK: 2 pre-strike episodes remain
REAPER: 3 pre-strike episodes remain
TERMINATOR: 5 pre-strike episodes remain
WOMEN'S MURDER CLUB

StrikeGeek: Law and Order, Unscripted!

Because we haven't had any strike humor in a while, I give you a hilarious rendition of what LAW & ORDER would be like if there were no writers.

Please note the cameos by current and former L&O actors and crime-drama vets. I tell you, this strike has proven writers can get up to all sorts of utterly hilarious shenanigans when they are freed from focus groups, plot-by-committee and the need to clear their one-liners with humorless suits in the office.

Maybe what the strike is telling us isn't that we can do without writers... it's that we can do without PRODUCERS?

StrikeGeek: AMPTP fails to deal with "new media."

In the biggest blunder yet, AMPTP (that's the studios and producers side of the writers' strike) failed to register the domain name of AMPTP.com.

Yes. They failed to register the domain name. Just let that sink in for a minute. Who's running their public relations, Pee-Wee Herman?

Don't bother running to grab the URL; someone has done it for you. Among the "headlines": "Some Writers Make As Much As Our Drivers," "NBC has 437 Game Shows On Tap," and newsnotes like "Six out of 10 non-Judd Apatow movies never recoup their original investment." Here's their version of the latest AMPTP press release:

We are heartbroken to report that despite our best efforts, including sending them a muffin basket, making them a mix CD, and standing outside their window with a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel songs, our talks with the WGA have broken down. Quite frankly, we're puzzled as to why this happened. We talked about it all the way home – after we walked into their hotel room, slapped our list of demands on the table and abruptly left the negotiating session – and none of us could figure out what went wrong.

While we're not going to point fingers or assign blame, we do feel justified in saying that they are entirely at fault. The AMPTP has successfully concluded 306 major agreeements with unions since its founding in 1982, and there has never been an incident like this. Except for that writers' strike in 1985. And the directors' strike in 1987. And that other writers' strike in 1988. Aside from three isolated incidents, however, this strike is completely without precedent.

We believe our New Economic Partnership™ proposal – under which the average salary for writers making between $220,000 and $240,000 would be $230,000 – is the single greatest document since the Magna Carta. And we have proved, over the last five months, that we want writers to participate in producers' revenues. Mostly by repeatedly saying, "we want writers to participate in producers' revenues." Still, we must be clear: Under no circumstances will we knowingly participate in the destruction of this business. If we destroy this business, it will only be through accident and incompetence – that's the AMPTP Pledge®!

Okayfine, the real one begins:

The WGA’s organizers made a variety of statements over the past three days that were factually inaccurate. Over the weekend, various WGA spokespeople indicated their surprise that the producers opposed the WGA’s efforts to expand the union’s jurisdiction over reality television and animation.Since the start of negotiations, the AMPTP has repeatedly told the WGA that the union’s proposals on jurisdiction in reality television and animation were completely unacceptable. The record is clear...

Yeah, from then on it gets to "He said, she said, did not, did too, wah," etc.

Meanwhile, United Hollywood says today's theme is HEROES, as creator Tim Kring walks the line with stars Ali Larter, Adrian Pasdar, Jack Coleman and Christine Rose. Fans who show up to picket with them from noon to 3 p.m. get T-shirts and comics!

Also, Hollywood Interrupted (a virtual picket line on MySpace) is shooting music videos with actors and picketers singing modified Christmas carols comparing the studios with Scrooge. Coming soon to a computer near you! If there were any future in digital media, which of course there is none...

More than 500,000 pencils have been shipped to NBC, Disney and Universal, many of them delivered by Ronald D. Moore (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA), Joss Whedon (duh), Carol Barbee (JERICHO), Alfred Gough and Miles Millar (SMALLVILLE). Meanwhile, one day a week female science fiction and genre writers march the picket lines in pink cowboy hats adorned with alien antennae.

I tell you, this strike is so much more fun than most of what's on television...

StrikeGeek: Trek Day!

See, I can't go on vacation for a minute. I come back and find out that Harlan Ellison has made peace with Star Trek.

Okay, not quite. But there's one thing all the TrekFolk agree on: studios are run by a combination of Ferengi and the Borg, and resistance absolutely is not futile.

Today is declared Trek Day on the picket lines. According to United Hollywood, the attendees expected to walk in solidarity today include Ron Moore, Harlan Ellison, David Gerrold, Jane Espenson, Brent Spiner, Wil Wheaton, Walter Koenig, Armin Shimerman, John D.F. Black, Chase Masterson, Ira Steven Behr and many, many others. They'll be wearing T-shirts showing the Vulcan peace sign* and reading, "Trekkies Support the WGA." (I imagine Peter David would be among them, but he walks the line on the other side of the country.)

In retrospect, even though Harlan Ellison has tilted at Paramount's windmill more than most, it makes sense that he'd stand with them. After all, Ellison believes firmly that writers should be paid for what they produce, the same as any artisan or factory worker. When I met him in 2005, he was talking about this very subject.** The fastest way to annoy him is to ask him to donate his writing - he doesn't care if it's a charity anthology, offer him a dollar as an acknowledgement that the work is WORTH something, and he's there. It's not about the money, he said - it's about respect for the work.

Personally, I'd just show up to gawk at Harlan Ellison and the high honchos of modern Trek walking in the same space and see if Ellison decks anybody.

Coming soon: Do ya feel lucky, punk?

* TrekGeek Trivia: Leonard Nimoy invented the Vulcan peace sign, and it's actually a somewhat-altered Hebrew sign, which was pretty much the only way to get anything Jewish on TV back then.
** How we got on that subject is a whoooole other story in which I'm sure you're not interested. No, I was NOT asking Ellison to donate his work. I am a geek, but I am not CRAZY.

StrikeGeek: Back to the tables with you!

Wanna know how the strike talks are going? Me too. EW reports that the talks are going on at an undisclosed Hollywood hotel and there will be a mutual media blackout. Settle, darn ye!

EW also gives us the countdown, as THE OFFICE is the only show with no episodes left.

Two Episodes Left: MY NAME IS EARL, PRIVATE PRACTICE, THE UNIT, TWO AND A HALF MEN

Three: BACK TO YOU, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, GREY'S ANATOMY, HEROES, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, PUSHING DAISIES

Four: BIG SHOTS*, BROTHERS & SISTERS, CRIMINAL MINDS, DIRTY SEXY MONEY, SHARK, THE GAME, 30 ROCK, 'TIL DEATH, WOMEN'S MURDER CLUB

Five: BONES, CHUCK, GOSSIP GIRL, HOUSE, JOURNEYMAN, PRISON BREAK, REAPER, SUPERNATURAL, UGLY BETTY

Six: GIRLFRIENDS, LIFE IS WILD*

Seven: BOSTON LEGAL, CARPOOLERS*, FAMILY GUY, SAMANTHA WHO?, SMALLVILLE

Eight: CAVEMEN*

Ten: THE SIMPSONS

Eleven: ALIENS IN AMERICA*, K-VILLE*, KING OF THE HILL

Twelve: NOTES FROM THE UNDERBELLY*

Thirteen: AMERICAN DAD, OCTOBER ROAD

Fourteen: MEN IN TREES*

Fifteen: EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS

Meanwhile, NBC has ordered full seasons of CHUCK and LIFE, which should make many of us happy. Still waiting to hear on BIONIC WOMAN and arguably the best new drama of the year, JOURNEYMAN. If the latter isn't renewed, I simply weep for the future of television.

Waiting to hear what I thought of last night's HEROES? Keep waiting. My Tivo hiccuped and grabbed a rerun of BONES instead. Whahuh? As I scramble to fix my Season Pass list, I'll be looking to find last night's ep... on the 'net.

* Wait, that hasn't been canceled yet?

StrikeGeek: SNL, A Class Act

I have slammed Saturday Night Live pretty much any time I've mentioned it, which hasn't been often. They say the show used to be funny. I was forced to watch it a lot in the early 1990s, because I babysat for a family that went out every Saturday night and they set the VCR to record it. No, you couldn't record one thing and watch another. I'm old.

Even then, I didn't think it was all that funny. As an adult, the few skits I've seen have lacked a certain quality, that of "humor." Honestly, I thought the best part of STUDIO 60 was the monologue that opened the pilot, in which Judd Hirsch said the show used to be about biting social satire and is now about pratfalls. And not the Gerald Ford type.

But the current SNL crowd stepped up this week, as the powers that be held a benefit show at a New York theater to benefit the workers who were laid off because of the writers' strike.

And kudos to NBC, which gave permission for them to use unaired material that technically belonged to the network as "work-for-hire," so that they could give money to the guys holding the mike and running the cameras. The strike isn't just affecting megamillionaires and scribbling scribes, it affects everyone from the print shop that used to make copies of 900,000 scripts to the guys who set up the shrubbery in the background as the good guys fight the bad guys.

Norah Jones did the guest vocals. The standing-room-only crowd paid $20 apiece to get in, but methinks they underpriced it a tad, since it was the hottest ticket in town.

Best moment, according to the Huffington Post write-up, was this: "We are people too. We have children. We have housekeepers. We have children with our housekeepers." - Fred Armisen as studio head Roger A. Travanti

That said, it was pretty clear to me why most of the sketches were cut. Hey, some people still find it funny. It's been renewed for several more years. But really, I rise to my feet and applaud because there's a cameraman who can pay the rent for another month. Bravo, SNL.

EDIT: Today's Strike Humor. The real winner in this strike is YouTube, I swear. My favorite line: "I have unresolved plot points!" You, me and every fan of HEROES, buddy.

StrikeGeek: Miss the Daily Show?

Here's what the fourteen writers who make Jon Stewart funny have been up to since the strike began.

It is perhaps a Daily-Show overstatement of a logical fallacy that really is jaw-dropping. The fascinating thing about the propaganda war in this strike is that it is almost entirely being fought over New Media, IN New Media. I am not finding these clips because I go looking for them, people. I find them because other people are reposting them or forwarding them around. It's a much wider distribution than they could ever afford by putting ads on, y'know, TV. And it's FREE.

A strike is about public opinion, regardless of who wins at the bargaining tables. (Baseball strike, anyone?) The articles appearing in the Hollywood Reporter and even in the "regular" press are really beside the point.

No, public opinion is being formed from YouTube clips. And I haven't seen one from the producers yet, much less one as brilliantly funny as the entertainment the writers are giving us about not writing. Maybe the producers... just can't write?

StrikeGeek: Who wrote that?

The best stuff on the web today is writers writing about... not writing. You see, producers? If you could write YouTube spots as cool as this one, you might not be losing the public-opinion side of this mess!

This one is silent, and notable because it makes me want to rent DVDs. Or peruse my collection. C'mon, can you name all these movies? I can! Then again, I AM the CultureGeek.

C'mon, isn't this more fun than bemoaning how very, very BAD last night's SMALLVILLE was? You don't want to hear that, do you?

StrikeGeek: THE OFFICE is closed

What, there's no category for StrikeGeek! I guess I'm going to have to create one, because I think we're in for the long haul, folks.

Here's a great clip of the writers and actors of THE OFFICE, who have shut down production rather than cross the picket line.

Meanwhile, the web site of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (i.e. The Other Side) has this lovely factoid: "For the 2006/07 television season, 6 of the top 10 series were non-scripted programming."

Yes, but that HORRIFIED us.

Its FAQ includes stuff like "TV's lousy anyway," and then they blame piracy for failing bottom lines. No, seriously, they talk about piracy, and that six out of 10 movies fail to recoup the original investment. Um, maybe if they stop greenlighting remakes of HIGH NOON and buy original material that wouldn't be the case? Wait! That means paying writers.

I haven't found their opinion on the issue that as computers take over and we all start watching digitally (hello MacTV), residuals will go to nothing if internet viewing isn't addressed. The L.A. Times, however, says people are buying DVDs at a sharply increased rate, and Michael Eisner says the strike is "insanity" because they're striking over "nonexistent" future money. Because the internet is... going away?

I keep trying to stay in the middle, but.. AMPTP? Give me something besides, "Well, Joss Whedon already makes a lot of money, and those darn kids are stealing our stuff."